QUIZ: HOW MUCH OF YOUR ENERGY GOES TOWARD WANTING TO BE LIKED?
The desire to be liked, well-thought of and respected is a common desire in women and men alike. However, too many of you are likely giving away too much of your energy and yourself in order to have this desire met. This desire may be consistently present in all areas of your life, or just focused on one area such as with those you interact with at work, your friendships, your intimate partnership/marriage or even random encounters with others. When this occurs, it means you have an energy leak on your hands that is keeping you away from fully expressing your highest version of you!
Take this quick quiz to determine how much of your energy you give away to be liked and what this means for you.
The following questions should be answered with the following choices:
Often (The majority of the time)
Occasionally (About half the time)
Seldom (Rarely – less than a handful of times a year)
- How often do you alter your behavior or words to come across as more likeable or accepted by others?
- How often do you worry about what you said after having a conversation with someone?
- How often do you feel misunderstood?
- How often do you feel a need to self-protect?
- How often do you feel concerned about others potentially judging you?
- How often do you struggle with remaining present and focused on another when conversing because you feel self-conscious?
- How often do you feel apprehensive to share how you really feel?
What your responses mean:
If the majority of your answers were responded with “Often,” this means:
Your energy is subconsciously geared toward fear of your true self rather than self-love, acceptance and approval. To live your life more freely and at peace, it is time for you to address what you really feel about yourself. Ask yourself: What are you judging about you? What aspects of yourself do you not fully understand and therefore hide? It is time to unravel the shame you carry toward you!
If the majority of your answers were responded with “Occasionally,” this means:
Certain situations are energy leaks for you. Although you have worked through some blocks in the past, there is still a core aspect that needs your attention and nurturance. To understand more about your ego block, ask yourself: What types of people or situations trigger your defenses? What is the sense of lack that you believe in during those moments or situations? Although you don’t feel completely drained by your energy leaks, it is important for you to find the leak in order to have the internal energy to empower you to be your highest version of you!
If the majority of your answers were responded with “Seldom,” this means:
You are living your life authentically because you have very few times when your energy leaks toward fear. This means you know and are connected to your inner wisdom and truth very intimately, which is a beautiful way to live! As a person committed to consciously evolving and growing, you will still encounter fears. Keep utilizing F.E.E.L: Feel Every Emotion as Love to guide you back to your truth when those occasions happen or you find yourself in an emotional “growth-spurt!”
Additional Optional Recommendations
If the majority of your answers were “Often,” personal support would be a great option for you. Currently you have core beliefs that are more aligned with your false self rather than your authentic self, which personal support can help you shift. If you are interested in personal work with me, please fill out my evaluation form and I’ll get back to you shortly. http://michellebersell.com/evaluation-form/
If the majority of your answers were “Occasionally,” you won’t have energy to give toward your potential, when your energy is being leaked. Nip your energy leaks in the bud through my F.E.E.L. Virtual Mastery Home Study Program. This is the perfect program to support you to pull the blinders away from your ego blocks! http://www.michellebersell.com/feel/
If the majority of your answers were “Seldom,” keep doing what you are doing! Find continued inspiration through events (both live and virtual) with like-minded people to keep your spirit recharged and energized!
Live Emotionally Conscious – Live Exceptionally Well,
The Good Girl Syndrome
Although men can also fall prey to being “too good”,
women are especially prone to falling into the trap of being
“the good girl”. What is interesting about “the good girl
syndrome” is that we can be completely successful in one
area of our life yet in another area we succumb to being the
good girl. In other words, the good girl is not about being a
people pleaser or doormat; it is much more subtle. This is
why so many people find themselves stuck because they are
trying to remain the good girl.
The adult version of the good girl syndrome includes the
following:
(1) when we say yes when we really want to say
no;
(2) when our feelings get hurt yet we do not say a word;
or
(3) we completely disagree but we go along with it
anyway.
The good girl syndrome is interesting because it is
what women in particular fall back to when they do not know
their value in a relationship. For instance, maybe they have a
great marriage yet they question their worth when it comes to
their career. Perhaps it is the other way around where they
have been greatly successful in their career yet they struggle
with intimate relationships.
In those cases we are not certain of our worth, so we turn
to others to have our worth validated. In order to receive that
validation, we try to be the good girl. Why would we not?
After all that is what we learned to do as children. We were
told to get along and do not make waves in order to make
those around us happier. Our rational minds bought into that
if we can make others happy, we will be more liked, loved or
admired.
Yet the good girl is not able to be truly happy if she is
always stifling her essence. The good girl is not allowed to
simply be. If we cannot be ourselves, there is no way we will
ever feel true happiness let alone get what our hearts’ truly
desire. The truth of what we desire is masked by goodness of
the good girl, and will forever stay that way until we are
willing to share our true selves.
If you find yourself in a rut in a certain area of your life
or continue to struggle with a certain person, examine if you
have fallen victim of the good girl syndrome. Look at the
difference between those areas of our lives in which we
intrinsically know the value we bring versus this aspect in
which we feel stuck. Notice the lack of certainty you have
about you. Once you have a sense of certainty about who you
are in all areas of your life, there will be no need to be the
good girl. Your intrinsic goodness will shine through regardless
if you disagree or disappoint another because you will
know with certainty the truth of your essence. This can only
occur by listening to your feelings and being willing to form
boundaries in your life.
Excerpt from Emotional Abundance: Become Empowered
www.EmotionalAbundance.com
How to Gain Greater Inner Confidence
I have the ability to appear confident when inside, I don’t feel that way. It sounds like a good thing, but is it? The period in my life in which people commented the most about how self-confident I was, was actually a time in my life that I felt the most insecure. Here lies the problem – when you are trying to project the image of confidence, you don’t feel it inside you. In fact, whatever you are trying to project about yourself comes from a place of lack within you. On the other hand, when you truly feel confident, you don’t worry about projecting confidence. You feel confident and that is all that matters to you. Energetically, this makes a world of difference as to how well you are able to make deeper, richer and more meaningful connections in the world.
So, today’s tips are not about how to fake confidence but to really gain inner confidence. Inner confidence allows energy to flow from you. The result is you authentically feel good about who you are and the gifts you bring to the world through your presence, without even trying!
4 Steps to Gain Greater Inner Confidence:
1. Take risks – Be willing to do things you aren’t good at, where you lack skill and where you have the opportunity to learn. That is after all what expansion is all about and what your spirit really enjoys experiencing. It is a part of living that leads to exhilarating moments that make you feel alive. Ego worries about messing up or being perfect, shut you down, make life boring & predictable and not fun =(
2. Don’t judge or compare yourself to others. Judgment is ego based. We all have to start building up a skill. Image if you saw a baby learning to take her/his first steps and you were critiquing the kid on not doing it right or well. Keep this image with you as you take your next step toward your heart’s desire. Remember notions such as “ I should know how to do this by myself” or “This should be easier” are ego messages.
3. Don’t try to project something that you are not feeling: This is an advanced step to take when you want to truly live emotionally conscious and authentic. Your tendency is to pull out the false self when you feel fear. We all do it. Instead, allow yourself to be who you are in that moment.
One of my long-time mentors is Sonia Choquette. I remember a story she shared a long time ago. She was doing a presentation in front of business people, which were typically not the type of people interested in having a psychic speak. She started off by saying to them “You scare me.” In turn they responded, “You scare us!” They shared a big laugh and most importantly Sonia’s willingness to be authentic allowed them to connect. If she would have pretended to be confident, the energy would have been much different. The reason is because there would have been unconscious defensiveness that would have inhibited the relationship formed, as well as the degree participants were able to receive Sonia’s guidance.
4. Honor what you authentically have got going for you: Another advanced step is to set aside what you feel you lack and focus in on that which you are authentically feeling that feels supportive. Maybe you aren’t feeling confident, but you feel excited or perhaps more attuned to others, even humble. Honor the gift this feeling brings forward within you and the uniqueness of the connection it offers.
What these steps do is provide you with ways to authentically gain inner confidence. What you are doing through these steps is choosing your essence/authentic self over your fears and ego blocks. The more you do, the more inner confidence you generate, the better you feel and connections are made easier and effortlessly!
Living Emotionally Conscious & Exceptionally Well Together,
How to deal with annoying people
Ahh, we all encounter someone from time to time that pushes an internal button and, like most of us, you will find the person annoys the heck out of you. Recently, I was asked to appear on FOX to answer how to address this common, yet irritating issue. To find resolve, follow this 5 step plan to let go of your internal button:
1. Understand Your Reaction: What is my reaction about? What am I defending?
2. Me, be defensive?: You defend that which feels vulnerable. What is that vulnerability in you that you don’t want others to see?
3. Acceptance: How can you apply greater acceptance and non-judgment to that vulnerablity? What is the benefit to you having this vulnerability?
4. Tell the Difference between Truth vs Falsehood: What about having that vulnerability isn’t true that feels inappropriately put on you?
5. Honor More of You: By acknowledging the truth vs the falseness to what is pushing your button, you are able to honor yourself more fully. In other words, you create further acceptance of yourself, which allows you to more honestly discriminate what is and is not your truth. As you share your acceptance and clarity with the person who once annoyed you, you will find your internal button diminishing right before your eyes!
Live Emotionally Conscious & Exceptionally Well,
Good vs Bad Ego
I received a letter last week that I felt was very poignant to being able to raise your consciousness & utilize all your internal power to support you to live an even more fulfilling life. The letter was from Asma Raja, in which she wrote to me perplexed as to my interview I shared last week on Fox News where I stated that the ego has a purpose. From what she has learned about the ego from Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth is that the ego is bad news, something we need to work to cease through meditation and prayer.
Let me first start out by stating that I truly love Eckhart Tolle’s work. He very clearly shares the numerous ways in which your ego wreaks havoc on your life. Tolle’s work is vital to awakening people to recognize how much the ego has been allowed to manipulate our lives. The awakening Tolle brings forth in his new book is much needed, yet it is only a beginning. There are more steps to take toward emotional consciousness because the problem is not with the ego itself, it is in your overuse of the ego.
After reading Tolle’s book the typical response is a desire to blame your ego for your life’s troubles and challenges. Believe it or not, this desire to judge your ego actually comes from your ego! Remember, even Tolle shares that the ego causes separation. The ego is what creates this view of separation and then judges what is a good part of you and what is a bad (or not good) part. In this case, your ego wants you to believe that the ego is bad and you should work to raise your consciousness high enough in order for it not to exist. The ego knows that as soon as judgment occurs, a battle begins in which you consciously and unconsciously try to fight off that which you judge. In doing so, the ego wins because your energy is being used up to try to rid that which you judge rather than your energy going toward more of your potential being revealed.
F.E.E.L.: Feel Every Emotion as Love™ encourages you to raise your consciousness beyond the ego standpoint to see everything, including your ego through the eyes of love. Through the standpoint of love, you recognize the purpose as to why your ego exists. Your ego exists as your ultimate guide back to claiming your fullest potential. Working with, rather than fighting against, your ego, you recognize how your ego is present to serve you to recognize more of your truth, light and gifts you have to offer. Utilizing this viewpoint of love accelerates your efforts, along with the meditation and prayers you offer. Then negative emotions, fear and ego are no longer toxic when you are no longer reacting to them. The result of love consciousness is you now have tools that give you greater insight, clarity and energy, which have been squandered away and hidden by judgment.
Love is always the path to end the separation that your ego wants you to believe in. If we want to end the separation in the world and create peace, we must find peace within ourselves. This peace occurs with understanding that there is not one single part of you that needs to be judged – not your ego, your negative feelings or your fears. Once you recognize and apply this degree of love to your life, you are living the next step toward emotional consciousness. Only then the ego sees that it is no longer needed and lets go of its hold. This is the peaceful way of resolving ego tension so you can shine more fully and abundantly with greater ease!
Live Emotionally Conscious – Live Exceptionally Well,
Letting In New Possibilities by Letting Go of the Old
Last week I was at Fox doing a quick interview on what I could have talked forever about – Fears & Ego! Why? Because I see how even the most conscientious, spiritual people can get tripped up by these two aspects of your emotions. If you want your life to feel more ideal or make a change, yet can’t seem to make it happen, it is because you are stuck in the “emotional stone-ages.”
Here’s the deal – when you are stuck in the emotional stone-ages, one of two things happen:
1. You deny that your negative feelings and fears are impacting you, even though you are struggling to make your life more ideal.
OR
2. You realize you are experiencing negative feelings or fears, yet you feel these aspects of your emotional self hinder you.
Guess what? The reason why you feel this way is because your perspective regarding your emotional well-being is entirely based upon your ego. It is your ego judging your feelings and fears. The result is you cannot get the momentum you need when your perspective remains tied to your ego.
If you want to change your life for the better, you’ll want to have the clarity, energy, passion and personal power that your emotions give you to move forward faster and with greater ease. Choose this year to be the year you view all of your feelings, fears and ego through the lens of love rather than fear, and see how different your life becomes!
To help you make these shifts, always feel free to email support@michellebersell.com with your personal questions. I’ll post them on my blog (your personal info excluded) in the order they are received. Another option is to join my F.E.E.L. Virtual Mastery Program, which you can find out more about at http://www.michellebersell.com/feel/
Love is always the path you can trust to open yourself up to new possibilities!
Live Emotionally Conscious – Live Exceptionally Well,
Reflection of 2010 and into 2011
The end of the year is a wonderful time to become a witness to the life you have created. By reflecting upon the miracles/gifts as well as the areas that challenged you in 2011, you open yourself further to the conscious creation process. Many people like to jump in and start focusing on goals or resolutions for the new year. Doing so without reflection, however, will not give you the momentum you need to make lasting change.
To begin with, focus on these major aspects of your life listed below. Make a column as to how each component felt to you in 2010 and where (if any) you have deeper desires toward that aspect of your life in 2011.
- Spirituality – How do I feel in regard to a sense of spiritual connection? How well am I able to trust?
- Relationships – How do my relationships feel (currently) as well as how you want them to expand upon in 2011?
- Intimate
- Immediate Family (ie kids)
- Extended Family
- Friends
- Career – What have I brought forward this year & what do I want to expand upon
- Physical Health – How do I currently feel in my body & is there a way I can better serve my body in order for my body to better serve me?
- Emotional Well-Being – Do my feelings and fears feel supportive to me? Are there still areas where I feel emotionally weighted down at times, if so what are the triggers? What can I do to allow my emotions to serve me in 2011?
- Sense of Self – In what ways do I demonstrate love and self-worth currently? Is there more authentic expression ready to be revealed in 2011?
- Free Time – In which ways that I currently spend my time serve my highest good? Is there more ways to bring out sensual expression, pleasure and joy in 2011?
- Home – How does my home currently support my highest good? Is there a greater desire to have my home more fully support me in 2011? If so, in which way?
- Other – Anything specific you may want to address not covered in the other categories – add here
By looking at your successes in 2010, you can identify what worked for you, how you are motivated and the external components that supported you to move forward. Being a witness to, rather than judging, where you remain challenged, you gain greater insight by asking yourself the following:
A. What do you believe were factors that negatively impacted your ability to move toward your desires?
B. How can you empower yourself better to get the support you need?
C. Are you setting yourself up to succeed, as you did with previous successes?
D. Do you need further guidance?
Next, prioritize what has the greatest significance to you at this time. This is important because you want the majority of your energy (at least 80%) going toward your top 3 desires. (This may only be 2 desires if the ones you are undertaking are major life changers!) Allow the remaining to be longer term shifts that you give some energy toward ( the remaining 20%) and see what small steps you want to take throughout the year to give some momentum to those desires.
For your top priorities, utilize the information gathtered from questions A-D to address what additional support you need to move forward. Begin each week with reflecting upon what your next step is toward reaching your desire. Many people get lost in trying to figure out how to get to the end result when you truly only need to know your next step. Establish a day each week to weekly reflect upon whether or not how you are going about moving toward your desire is working. Tweek your plan for the following week given that information, along with determining what your next step is. By doing this weekly check-in, you are going to find two things:
- You are more attuned to your needs and challenges
- You are given the guidance you need to take another step forward by staying attuned to yourself
Don’t forget to honor each week the small shifts that are created. The shifts in which you know of even though others cannot yet see the external results, are the most significant. This is the real route to create life altering shifts!
May 2011 be filled with the blessings you have deep within your heart!
Live Emotionally Conscious – Live Exceptionally Well,
The Gift of the Season – Access Your Divine Spark!
Silence…ahh, sweet silence. The silence I crave is not simply slowing down. You know as well as I do, you can slow yourself down, while your mind keeps going. During the holidays, for many of you, silence is hard to come by as life seems overly full (as do our bellies). Others, on the other hand, may feel the depth of silence, when life feels less full than you would desires it to be. In either case, neither describes silence. You can have time to yourself, yet your mind can be filled with too much noise.
In the northern hemisphere, where I currently live, the length of darkness we are entering into supports us to create inner silence. This cannot be done by simply slowing yourself down. Creating inner silence is a type of miracle in and of itself. I have been practicing meditation 6 days a week, for over eight years. Obviously, I am no yogi, yet I have enough experience under my belt to know what a gift true silence from within is. Sometimes, you grasp the silence for just a few fleeting moments. Other times, you can be swept away by the gift of silence without realizing how much time has elapsed. During the holidays, the later type of silence is few and far between.
Just as nature has a period in which the external conditions lie dormant in order to prepare for transformation beneath the surface, so do we. The darkness outside, is beckoning for you to go to the darkness inside and be swept away by the silence residing within you. What you will find is a light guiding you, telling you more about your true path and the next steps for you to take.
Whether you are Christian or not, you have likely heard of the Christmas song, “Silent Night.” I have heard and sung the song so many times myself, yet rarely paid attention to the point being made. Silence is where miracles are born from and occur. Silence is the core of the potential that awaits within you – the same as it does for humanity as a whole.
Silence is a gift that cannot be created, yet can be found. No matter what your spiritual beliefs are, silence is a true gift the season offers. This is the time of year when the Divine Spark within you is waiting to be found at a deeper layer. Take this time to go within and discover what miracles are waiting to manifest through you. Only you can decide if the silence within you is worth finding.
Here’s to celebrating the silence within!
Happiest of Holidays to You!
Be A Light Unto Yourself: A Response to a Question Regarding Living Your Passion & Loneliness
Date: Wed, Sep 22, 2010 at 7:45 PM
Subject: Advice on Life Passion
To: support@michellebersell.com
Hi! My name is Mel!
I was reading on “the key to find and/or elevate your passion toward life” about “non-doing.” I feel like I entered that space not too long ago. I am in my late 20′s, a single young lady w/a Master’s in Gerontology. I work as a Care Manager. I am really devoted to my church, where my heart and passion is. I love to lead Praise & Worship and I’m definitely interested in growing spiritually. I have many hopes-marriage, better job, etc. I have an awesome, supportive family and a few “close” supportive friends. I’ve been alone more lately, hoping to get a grasp on things, life, my passion. I saw the article said to send for advice, any thoughts?
Thank You Sincerely,
Mel
Hi Mel,
“Be a light unto yourself” is the phrase that comes to mind when I think of your struggle between hope for the future and your sense of loneliness currently. The truth is Mel, you are not alone with feeling lonely. During times of transitional change, the vast majority of people go through a period of loneliness. The reason is because you are shifting your life to be in greater alignment with your truth.
Experiencing loneliness while consciously evolving is one of those topics that remains under addressed, while being extremely common. Think about for a moment what you are actually doing – you are shedding old skin and claiming more and more of what matters to you. As you grow, others may not be ready to go on that journey with you – at least not right away. You can move forward without them being right by your side, while trusting their time will come. In the short-term, you may feel more alone. In the long-term, you ultimately create relationships that support you to be the highest version of you. Plus, when those you care about are ready to move forward as well, they will be turning to you for support!
From a spiritual perspective, your loneliness is a preparation period supporting you to fulfill your life’s work. You need this time where there are less distractions so you hone in on what you are feeling, what works for you and what absolutely doesn’t, and what moves you. This is a time for creativity and exploration from the core of your essence.
I have worked with many, many people as they evolve toward finding their passion. A common thread is a sense of loneliness, whether they were in their 20’s or 60’s! In every case, what needed to be done was to live the meaning to “Be a light unto yourself.” What this means is you must go within to your internal and eternal light that exists within you. Let your light be your guide. Once you clear the clutter, what you will find is a field of possibility that lies ahead for you. Your work is to tend to the field so that it becomes the most fertile to grow your dreams. This means weeding out that which no longer serves you and bring into your life more that will.
I remember when I too went through a period of loneliness, which happened to be around your age as well . Some of the most profound growth I had ever experienced occurred during this time. I only wish I had someone there telling me to both savor this time as well as know that it will soon shift.
Like falling in love, you only get a couple of these types of experiences. This may be it for you where you get to discover yourself to this degree. Honor your circumstance by turning to your feelings to be your guidance and you will find yourself shifting to a life that feels greater fulfillment and fuller than you could have ever imagined!
Live Emotionally Conscious – Live Exceptionally Well,
Find Greater Joy & Fulfillment through Connection!
Connection is the key to expansion and December is such a wonderful month to connect! I know for many of you, your plates can feel like you have enough servings for four people instead of just you. As we step into a month that is known for hustling and bustling, slow down to reflect how your energy is best used.
What will bring you joy, fulfillment, or laughter?
What does your essence feel called to do prior to the end of 2010?
Because who you are is a one-of-a-kind ball of energy, you are deeply needed in the world. How you are needed may appear simple at times, like almost anyone could fill in. However, the fact you are in any given circumstance brings unique perspective, talents, feelings and actions that no one else can offer in the same manner.
Often times, your ego will dismiss how significant you really are, how you really do touch others and the numerous ways your energy can be applied. You hear reasons in your mind as to why you should not offer your energy. I understand. I get tired too, especially during the holidays. This is a signal to get back on track to what will bring you greater internal wealth. Often times, energy is leaked on trying to create external circumstances that appear abundant rather than feel abundant.
To get back on track, do the following:
- Think about how you can give of yourself that has nothing to do about the holidays. You just do it because it feels right to you.
- Reach out to those who need support. This can be anything from supporting those with less material access to calling up a family member.
- Chose joy over perfection. So what if your holiday cards got out late if it meant you had time to bake cookies with the kids. Think of memories created through personal connection over what our should-do list tells you to-do.
- Be open to experiences that scare you due to the fact you are being called to go outside your comfort zone. This is an amazing gift for you to see more of your true potential!
When you connect to others in this way, you expand, your energy increases and you feel greater personal empowerment. What a great way to end the year!
You are so deeply needed. You are offered numerous opportunities to connect in ways that may seem insignificant to your ego, yet can have profound effect in other people’s lives. Choose what will fuel you internally through the expansiveness of connection and you will create a fulfilling, memorable and joy-filled December!
Happy Holidays!
Live Consciously – Live Exceptionally Well,
Before I uncovered the truth to our emotions, I would become paralyzed by my feelings and fears, even though I had been professionally trained as a psychotherapist and life coach!
