Understanding the fear of speaking from an emotional consciousness viewpoint

Hi Michelle,

I have been following you and I want you to know it is an honor to be connected.   I live in India and inspire to become big. I have everything in me but two things stop me to attain my aspirations. First, I have a fear of public speaking that holds me back like anything. For last 5 years I have been trying to overcome the same but I still find me struggling with words and my thoughts when it comes to public speaking. The second problem is that after trying hard for anything I find myself deviating from that thing. I basically lack dedication. I read your page and thought to mail you. Hope you reply back and your suggestions help me.
Regards,
Sumit

 

Dear Sumit,

 

Let’s get a clear understanding about what fear is about from an emotional consciousness standpoint.  Fear is the voice of your ego.  Your essence/spirit/inner voice (whatever you prefer to call it) is the part of you that has aspirations to share your message.  Also, what you call a “lack of dedication” is also the voice of your ego.  There is nothing wrong with you.  You are simply allowing your ego to win because even though you work hard toward a goal, there is a part of you that fears the outcome. 

Right now your ego is winning, which indicates to me a very important aspect that you need to address.  You don’t believe enough in your essence.  There is a part of you that does but it isn’t enough because your ego is still winning.  You need to write down and give your rational mind and ego proof of what you have accomplished. 

 

Most importantly you need to continue to develop a deeper relationship that honors your inner voice more than you do the messages of your ego.  How do you demonstrate to your spirit that you listen, love and care for this vital aspect of you?  If you don’t or you push this part of you around with putting everything else in front of your spirit, you cannot expect your spirit to be strong enough to overcome your ego when you try to attain a goal.  Your fear will always be there as you evolve and grow.  You demonstrate your spirit is ready to make that leap when you essences is properly fueled by love and respect by you.  Then your spirit is more powerful and sees the truth to your fears.

Lastly, you are overly judgmental of yourself.  Maybe not in all areas but certainly when it comes to your career.  Remind yourself that every time you critique yourself, you diminish your relationship with your essence.  I would suggest seeking support that guides you to recognize the voice of your ego and tune into more the voice that your spirit sings.

Sending you much love on your journey!

Live Emotionally Conscious – Live Exceptionally Well,

Michelle

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You’ve Got to Get Dirty to Spring Clean Your Life!

I must admit, March is one of my least favorite months.  Here in Wisconsin, the weather isn’t quite as warm as I would like, days are gloomy and all I see around me is a lot of mud.  My twin boys attend a nature preschool, where they take long hikes and play outside for a good part of their day.  Their clothes come back filthy, which always guarantees another load of laundry for me to do. It would be easy to say to myself,  “Michelle, you just need to get out of here and get some sun.”  Luckily, I know that if I just looked at my feelings on a surface level, I would be blowing off a huge opportunity. 

As many of you have heard me share before, nature is a great teacher and this certainly applies to March.  Prior to spring, we are in more darkness than light.  What many are not aware of is how much our well-being imitates nature.  During those darker hours, we are being given a prime opportunity to look into the darkness of the shadows of our being.  By bringing our emotional shadows into our awareness, we shed light on that which we once feared. 

For me it is like clockwork ….when March comes I know I am being asked to get dirty.  Unlike my kids, my getting dirty is about shining light on that which I would rather ignore by attending to messages of my ego.  Let’s face it, in the short-term, blowing off these messages is just easier.  After all, life still feels good.  Why not just go with that?  Well, the reason why I don’t is because I know how to F.E.E.L.: Feel Every Emotion as Love™.

The concept of F.E.E.L™ is a shift in consciousness toward understanding our emotional well-being.  This emotional consciousness shift allows me to see beyond the limited understanding of our feelings that are based upon the ego.  In doing so, rather than go on with life feeling 85% good and 15% off, I consciously choose to bring up that 15% and see what that is all about.  Rather than stay with the surface of the situation ( in my case the weather) there is so much rich opportunity to discover what is really going on within me. 

Think about what you have to do prior to you planting seeds.  You have to clear the surface and dig up underneath.  You want that soil to be turned, shed light on that which has been buried and give it some air.  The same needs to happen within us.  And just like nature if you properly attend to the soil in which you plant your seeds, you will reap the rewards later!

So how do you begin?  First of all you have to trust yourself that you can handle the feeling underneath the surface of you.  You may avoid your feelings altogether because you have had negative experiences when an uncomfortable feeling is brought into your awareness.  There is a difference, however, when you consciously choose to bring up a negative feeling which is you are still in control.  When a feeling bursts out from you, you are in a reactionary state.  By consciously bringing an uncomfortable feeling into your awareness you can differentiate in your mind the messages that come with it that are from the ego (which will be deflating to you) and those that come from love ( which will support you to move forward with creating your ideal life!)  Having that information is priceless!  Now instead of 15 % struggling (or whatever that percentage is for you), you have clarity about what you need to do.  You also have experienced more of your power as you now have reclaimed 15% more of your energy and attention that can go toward fulfilling your life’s purpose and passions!

So before spring is sprung, I encourage you to allow yourself to get a little dirty this spring.  As you do, commend yourself for being willing to do what that vast majority won’t.  You are choosing an enlightened path which takes much courage. 

I just started with a new client this week and before we started she said, “I am ready to get dirty!” and I just had to laugh.   Boy was she right and the rewards she is already reaping from just one session will forever change her life.  Remind yourself that you too are worth it to F.E.E.L: Feel Every Emotion as Love!

Happy Digging!

Michelle

One Workday, No Blackberry & The Results Are?

Consciously choosing not to turn on my Blackberry for one whole day during the middle of my work week and stepping away from work can bring up anxiety and guilt.  “Am I being responsible?  I have so much to do, how will all my work ever get done?” are all questions of my ego uses to try to keep me settled into the daily throws of work.  At first, stepping away felt tortuous.  All too clearly, I begin to see the slight addictive behaviors I have toward checking my email and trying to stay on top of everything.

Nevertheless, I allowed my spirit to win!  My spirit was telling me I needed a break.  I have had to put in a lot of hours to get the audio series completed.  This weekend, I am working on Sunday speaking at an event.  Therefore, I decided, what if I acted as if Tuesday was really a Saturday?  What would it be like to let myself off the hook during the weekday?  Let me tell you it felt good!

My rational mind wouldn’t have thunk it but watching re-runs of The Office was exactly what my spirit needed.  Usually, when I take breaks throughout my work day, I try to be spiritually conscious.  I go for walks in nature and read inspiring passages.  Yesterday was all about just allowing myself to relax and be a so-called “slug” ( my ego’s words, not mine) if that is what I needed. 

After lying in bed watching three episodes of The Office, I did some coloring, took a nap, then a bath and made some homemade ice cream which I allowed myself to have prior to eating the pancake dinner I made for my family.   All and all, a great day and a wonderful reminder that what fuels my spirit doesn’t have to be so serious or reflective.  What fuels my spirit is the joy in just allowing myself to be.  Oh and the result, as if feeling joyful and relaxed wasn’t enough – a renew enthusiasm toward delving back into my work!

With Joy,  Michelle

Care Giver Struggling Reaches Out – Real Advice Given

Hi Michelle,

I have had my 83 year old mother living with me for 9 years and she is illiterate and has never learned the tools to get through life and so i find myself having to do everything for her …even her thinking. She is a demanding, stubborn hard to please woman and as I work full time i am finding life a real struggle. My husband has been pretty patient but he sometimes loses it.

I find i am always depressed, very angry, frustrated and at my wits end. I have tried to have a break from my mother and tried to put her in respite care for a few days but she has absolutely refused to go.

I have been on antidepressants for a few years but they don’t seem to work and as I am under quite a bit of pressure at work i feel like i am ready for a breakdown. I have had quite a few outbursts at work when i am challenged by my lazy male co worker who doesnit seem to cope well with the added pressure that we have been put under with our work.

I feel like running away from everything but I need to work for financial reasons as I have turned to gambling as an out and we have had to remortgage our home as a consequence of my actions. I feel very sorry that i have put my husband in this position but really was incapable of realizing the consequences of my actions at the time due to being depressed and the medication maybe numbing my feelings.

I am in a real mess and would appreciate any help from yourself.

Warmest Regards,

MB

 

Dear MB, (Hey, we share the same initials, how about that!)

Thank you for writing me and admitting your true feelings.  So many people I have supported who are also caregivers struggle to reveal their real emotions.  They become accustom to shoving down these feelings and then suffering in other areas of their life.

I share this with you not only to honor your courage but to also share with others the importance of sharing our true feelings.  By allowing yourself to be vulnerable not only do you not have to suffer alone but neither do the thousands of caregivers who are also struggling.  A message for all of us is that covering up your feelings only causes greater suffering.

Okay, now onto your challenge as a caregiver.  The truth is, MB, you should feel as you stated “depressed, very angry, frustrated and at my wits end “ because how your life is set up right now is not working for you.  You are struggling emotionally at that depth because it is at that depth that you need to take a hold of your life and create change. 

What you have done is what society teaches us to do, react to our emotions on an ego level.  The emotions feel overwhelming to us, we stuff them down and then we do crazy things to try to escape how we really feel.  This is the reality, MB, of what has caused you to turn to gambling.  You were looking for a magic cure all to take away the pain you are feeling. 

The truth is there is no magic pill to take.  The only way to remedy the situation is going to be through your hard work. I know the last thing you want is more hard after all you have on your plate.  Let’s face it though, dealing with your feelings based on the ego has made your life worse, as you now have debt to deal with on top of care giving for your mother.  

If you were to F.E.E.L., you would see that your anger, frustration and depression are due to you not owning your power completely in this situation.  Now you have further given it away with gambling.  To turn this around, first your inner work of not seeing yourself as a victim. I say this with great compassion because I feel like it is one of the most common ways we unknowingly self-sabotage and it is pretty easy to do.  The truth is your reality is tough.  Being a care giver takes immense amount of energy and if that energy is depleted in you, there won’t be any to give.  Rather than be a victim of your circumstances, in which you feel helpless to create change, your feelings are telling you to own your power. 

My sense is for you that this begins with creating greater personal boundaries.  I intuitively feel that you are operating based on old roles where what your moms says go, as if you were still a young child.  This is very common for women and their relationships with their mothers.  As you age, your role and relationship with your parents needs to reflect who you are as an adult.  Many parent-child relationships never mature and cause a lot of unnecessary ill-will, pain and struggle. 

Besides your boundaries with your mother, my sense is that this is a problem with other people in your life as well, especially other family.  Are you buying into being defined by how they perceive you?  My sense is that you are and then your actions become a self-fulfilling prophecy.    

This is tough work and I don’t sugar coat it because I don’t feel that it is nice to mislead you.  I want to give you the beginning steps as what you do have the power to take responsibility for in your life.  As you do begin to take personal responsibility, you will find how these other pieces begin to fall into place.  If you re-establish a relationship with your true self, which can be done by listening to the real message underneath your feelings, you will find the exact guidance you need to turn this situation around one step at a time.  THIS WILL NOT BE A QUICK FIX.  These changes will take some doing on your part, yet I know they will work.  You are worth making this happen MB. You are worth making your life work for you. It can happen but you must find yourself worthy of taking such effort.

Thank you again MB for sharing your struggle and walking this path with me to live your life more emotionally conscious and well!

The Antidote to Feeling Stressed Out!

New Amazing Project I Am Working On = Increase In Stress

Find Out My Shift in Perspective that is Supporting Me Immensely!

I am having a serious struggle right now not to reveal to you what I am working on but I don’t want to ruin the surprise.  All I can say is that it is going to offer you amazing support to consciously grow and I am giving it to you for FREE!  Okay, that is it.  I cannot reveal anymore now.

What I do what to share with you is a couple of ways that are really working to support me during a time that has increased stress.  I am sure you too have had those periods in your life when something happens that could be good, challenging or both, which adds more to your already full plate.  My plate, like so many of yours, is already filled with raising three kids, running a business and maintaining my household as well as a sense of balance.  Now added to that mix are details and deadlines that I have to attend to in addition to those other wonderful aspects of my life that need my attention.

So what am I doing to handle the increase in stressful situations?  I prepare for my stress.  I don’t try to think positively and pretend it doesn’t exist.  No, instead I affirm that I have an increase of responsibilities and think about how I am going to take care of myself given this truth to my reality.  I have always been big on nurturing myself but now I make sure to give myself at least 20 minutes during my work day to take a break. 

Yes, during a time when I have more to do, I am taking more breaks.  Why?  I need those breaks because when I am working, I need to be super efficient.  I need to give my mind a book, a walk in nature or time to stare out the window in order that it can let go of the details and just be.  My morning meditation is not enough to sustain my spirit all day otherwise.

I am also an observer to my process.  I watch my language and stories regarding this time.  Care is put toward being real about what I have to do while not going into a victim or martyr mentality about this time.  The truth is that this period, which is challenging me, is also an immense gift.  I truly believe how I handle this demonstrates whether I can handle the added responsibility that sometimes comes with bigger gifts.  Am I going to lose my true essence and forgo nurturing by over identifying myself with this project?  Or am I going to claim my truth worth each day by continuing to nourish and care for my spirit because I know my essence is my authentic expression? 

The truth is that sometimes I find myself leaning toward the end of the continuum that is exhaustion.  I don’t go there but my mind at times wants to take me there when the details start to feel overwhelming.  That is my cue to stop, take a break and then listen to where I am truly being guided to put my energy. 

Being the observer of myself through this process has allowed me to stay feeling greater balance and joy in the process than I expected. As I integrate these ways of approaching this very full time in my life, I feel proud of myself.  I am proud of myself not for what I do each day but for who I am. 

None of us will get a true sense of fulfillment based upon how much we get done on our to-do lists.  You feel fulfilled when you are living in alignment with your true essence.  Even when you are being called to give of your energy in a certain way, know that it doesn’t equate to losing yourself in the process. 

 I feel grateful to have found these ways to live feeling a deep fulfillment and commitment to my life’s purpose and work.  I hope that you may also apply these to your life when those periods of increase stress and responsibility pop up.  Whether challenging or exhilarating, these times are meant to shift us to more fully own our true power.  It is just a matter of finding your way to claim it!

 Live Authentically – Live Exceptionally Well,

Michelle

What Does Generosity of Spirit Look Like to You?

The holidays are the time of year when you naturally feel more inclined to be generous.  You want to share your gratitude for all that you have been given, as well as a sense of love and appreciation for those you care about.  A huge message I keep getting over and over is about being generous but not in the typical buy presents kind-of-way. 

Presents are great and fun to receive.  Yet, there is something a little extra special to giving of yourself in a way that touches your heart because the giving authentically came from you.  I’ve been asking myself what are those little extra doses of generosity that I can give out.  Sometimes money is involved, sometimes it is not.  What I like about the generosity of spirit behind the giving is that often times, only I will know or that the giving is uniquely between me and another. 

In asking myself “How can I share of myself and my resources in a way that stretches me a little bit more?,” I have found two great gifts.    The first gift is a deeper level of trust and knowingness that I can give of myself in ways that my rational mind would tell me I cannot.  For me, this means such an intense demonstration of how loved and cared for I am by God. 

The second gift is realizing that this generosity of spirit also applies to me.  In other words, how can you be generous in spirit to you?  When you remember you are not only supposed to be generous to others but also to yourself, you will feel that deepening of love and faith that the holidays are truly about. 

Here is to you creating a generous and blessed holiday season!

With Faith and Love,

Michelle

PS:  Would you mind being generous with your ideas by sharing what generosity of spirit looks like to you?  Add your comment and let’s share with one another simple ways to be generous to each other and yourself, as we end this calendar year.

How High is Your Pain Tolerance When It Comes to Stress?

Did you ever play those games when you were a kid to see how far you could bend back your fingers without giving up in pain?  How about allowing a relative or friend to keep hitting you harder and harder to see how long you could take it without giving up?  In both of these cases, the more pain you could tolerate, the stronger you were viewed.  I am sure at one point or another you gave it a try in order to avoid being called a wimp.

These silly games you play as a kid imprints a lasting message in your psyche.  The message is you are somehow better if you are tough and learn to “suck up” the pain or discomfort that you are feeling.   This message has been reiterated by adults as well because of the belief that you need to be able tolerate pain because life is not always fair.

The unfortunate outcome is that you learn how to tolerate your pain too well.  The result is suffering with your careers, your relationships and/or your sense of self due to your great tolerance of pain.  You have learned loud and clear that you are better off sucking it up.  You pull yourself up by the boot straps and try to move forward all the while ignoring the pain the best you can. 

What you don’t think about is how this will impact you in the long-term because you have been trained not to.  There is this pain reliever/aspirin commercial that demonstrates this so well.  The storyline is that this man suffers from pains that hold him back from accomplishing what he wants.  Presto — when he takes his pain reliever, we see him strong, being able to climb any mountain and accomplish his dream.   The message is that here is an easy way to cover up your pain that allows you to achieve all that you desire.  What I am thinking is this poor guy – he thinks he is being so strong by pushing himself past his limits and he is going to wake up to some major pain possibly even hurting himself physically to the point where it is beyond repair.  This commercial reiterates what you have all been taught to believe, which is if you toughen up and cover up your pain, you will then be able to get what you want.  This may work for the short-term but in the long run you end up hurting yourself even more. 

By ignoring your pain there is another part deep down within you that believes in the message of the pain rather than hearing the truth.  The truth is that your emotions want to share with you how to alleviate the pain for good.   Rather than hear this message, you are too focused on putting your best self forward all the while ignoring the hurt you feel.  What this actually does is keep you stuck and that is the sad part because it doesn’t have to be that way.

There are few people who are born without having the sensitivity to pain in their bodies. Their inability to feel the pain puts them in great danger and they end up getting hurt often.  Others have to keep a close watch on them because they do not register the signals that tell them what is taxing or hurting them.

I believe our society as a whole is suffering because we have tampered with the amazing gift of our emotional sensitivity.  Rather than picking up on the emotional signals that tell you when something is not good, you tolerate what isn’t good for you.  Worse yet is how you tell yourself to get over it, move on, think positively or be the better person and rise above it.  The reality is that you are just telling yourself that you are not sick of these circumstances enough to make a change.  In other words, you are telling your pain to bring on some more because you can and will take more pain. 

Once you have reached the point where you are so tired of the pain and so exhausted from fighting, only then will change occur.  The gift is that your pain doesn’t have to reach that point in order for you to take action.  So what is it going to be for you — a high pain tolerance or a low pain tolerance? 

My hope is that you will join me in having a low pain tolerance.  With a low pain tolerance you will recognize your sadness, anger or frustration more often.  The difference is that you will see this as a gift that will help you to live your life even better.  Trust me, it is not the emotions that are so painful rather it is the truth that you are trying to deny.  But remember the truth will always set you free.  Doesn’t living freely sound better than living chained to the pain?

Live Authentically – Live Exceptionally Well,

Michelle

Finding Your Sweet Spot – In Meditation that Is!

Come on admit it, when you first saw the words “sweet spot” did your mind immedicately go to sex?  (Okay, mine did!)  Here is the gift in having both psychotherapy training and life coaching.  I can talk about very personal points while addressing the spiritual.  This is what I came up with:  I believe there are some great comparisons to finding your sexual sweet spot and your meditative one.  Because I believe it is more challenging to find your meditative sweet spot, that is where I am going to keep my focus!

First, you may be wondering what I mean by your sweet spot when it comes to mediation.  Your meditative sweet spot is where you are flowing in some zone that simultaneously has no feeling yet, feels extremely good.  For me, my meditative sweet spot also feels like home.  To find it, there are some similarities to finding your sexual sweet spot as well as your meditative one.  Here they are:

1) The more you practice, the easier you find it

2) You can’t just jump into your sweet spot, it takes patience

3) You need to be in the present moment

Although my meditative sweet spot can be more allusive, it is worth the patience and practice.  Sometimes, I can ride the energetic wave that I am on and sometimes my mind and/or feelings distract me.  More often than not the later is the case.  Nevertheless, not being in my meditative zone does not mean that the mediation was ineffective.  Just quieting myself, even if I only last 5 minutes, does wonders.  It also affirms my commitment to connecting with my spiritual self.  Allow yourself to learn to ride the meditative wave.  Watch it build and then you will find your sweet spot as well!

Live Authentically – Live Exceptionally Well,

Michelle

5 Ways to Regain Power When You Feel Powerless

You have likely had an experience in which you were relying on someone, only to find out they let you down.  Maybe you were counting on a co-worker or family member to pitch in, or perhaps you hired someone who said they could get the job done but lacked the expertise to get it done right.  Whatever the case is, when you are counting on someone and they don’t fulfill their end of the deal, you are left trying to right their wrongs.  If you don’t carry the skill set required that the other person was to fulfill, you can really feel powerless to correct the situation.  No matter how grim the situation looks, use these 5 methods to regain your personal sense of power.

1) Pray or Meditate – If you believe in a higher power, prayer can be the most powerful action you can do.  Of course, this involves trust and patience, yet it can put your mind at ease knowing that your needs will be met.  For both believers and non-believers, meditation is another supportive tool to get you back to your center. As you connect with the peace within you, you are able to tap into your inner wisdom to guide you.

2) Focus on the Present – Eckhart Tolle got this right!  When you are completely engaged in the present moment, there is no room for past or future.  Plus, being in the present allows joy and gratitude to surface.  Rather than giving your power away by focusing on that which you don’t have control over, turn to the gifts of the present.  

 3) Engage in Activities that Reinforce Your Belief System – So many times when you feel overwhelmed, it is easier to find yourself turning to coping activities rather than empowering activities.  Coping activities are those that either make you feel worse (like eating, drinking or shopping too much), or pass time but do nothing to improve your state of mind (watching tv or internet surfing).  Empowering activities remind you of the gifts that are within you and around you.  These activities can include reading an inspirational book, doing yoga or watching an against-all-odds movie.  Whatever works for you to build up your sense of faith and power is the conscious choice you want to be making at this time.

 4) Talk Out Your Problem With a Trusted Friend –  Talking out your problem with a trusted friend will give you support in many ways.  First you will feel validated, which allows you to move past your ego and gain clarity toward real solutions that help you move forward.  If a friend isn’t available right away, pick up a journal and write about the situation, as if you were telling it to a friend.  You’ll be amazed at the clarity that can be made by that simple step!

 5) Seek Help – If the person who was supposed to support you doesn’t fulfill her or his end of the deal, seek further assistance.  What are the other resources available? Are there others who can come in and address the problem at hand?   The more people you have on your side, the more options you have to resolve the situation in a way that feels good to you.  Let others who are impacted know so that they can help, even if it is simply by being patient.

Use these tools in whatever order or fashion that authentically allows you to move past the illusion of problem and into creating resolution.  Through the use of these tools, not only did I regain my sense of power, I also received two gifts.  The first gift was learning that I can still enjoy life, even when an important aspect has gone awry.  The second gift was a personal reinforcement revealing that I was on the right path and had gained the lessons I needed to in order to more easily fulfill my life’s work.  By using these tools, you too will see the hidden gifts that await you the next time you feel powerless!

 Live Authentically – Live Exceptionally Well,

Michelle

4 Steps to Ensure You Do Not Fall Victim to Victim Mentality

Victim mentality can be summed up through these four characteristics:
1) You feel sorry for yourself
2) You feel like chasing your tail
3) You fear failure
4) You have been in this pattern for an extended period of time (1 month plus)

The truth is you need to be able to feel sorry for yourself once in a while or feel fear. Who doesn’t feel this way when dealing with stress? Having these feelings periodically is part of your normal personal growth, especially when you are facing change. You simply do not want to remain in this state. It is important to feel how you do and have compassion for yourself. Yet, if you stay in this state too long, you risk injuring your self-esteem.

If the above four points sound too familiar, here are some steps that not only help with stress management but also allow you to move forward.

1) Make your long-term goals the priority. Victims feel sorry for themselves because they get too caught up in the everyday to-do’s rather than their long term vision.
2) Create a plan and schedule in time for your long-term objectives. If you are in victim mode, you will feel too overwhelmed when really all that is need is organization of your time.
3) Make sure you are taking real action. As part of your goals, make sure you are including action steps each day. When you are in victim mode, you tend to overly think about what you want to do rather than actually doing it.
4) Be flexible. If something doesn’t go as planned, you don’t need to take it as a personal assault against you and give up. People who have created a fulfilled life do so by trying again or trying another route.

If you are feeling stuck in the victim mode and would like more information on a breakthrough session, contact Michelle at Michelle@MichelleBersell.com.

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