One reader wrote in the following:
(My letter must remain anonymous.)
My problem is I feel I am controlled and “bullied” by so many people in my life. I feel as if I do what my spouse wants, my close friends, etc., b/c of the way they co erce me into doing things for them. I have wondered if I misinterpret their assertiveness as bullying…but it feels like I am forced to do what they want, or they are angry with me.
Some examples: if I don’t spend our house money on what my husband would like, then he doesn’t speak to me for days. If I don’t pick up my friend’s children when she needs a favor, then she won’t call me until I call her. If I don’t drive to see my friend 7 hours away, then she’ll tell me I never have time for her, and will be curt with me the next time I do call her.
The list goes on and on…all this giving from me, and it feels like I never get.
What is this? Is everyone ‘s life full of people like this???
You are absolutely correct, you are being controlled. Yet, to have someone control you, they have something you need. That is how control works. What you need is their approval and acceptance of you. Because you need this from others, you give your power away in relationships. You give your power away because you are deeply tied to how others react to you.
It is common to turn to others to get approval and acceptance when you don’t give it to yourself. The fact that you are being mistreated by close people in your life is a wake-up call. You see, every time you dismiss your needs in a relationship, you further distance yourself from your Spirit/Authentic Self/Essence. The more distant you are from your Essence, the more you need to rely on others to validate you.
I can tell this distance already exists because you are not tapping into your feelings, rather your focus is on other people’s feelings toward you. (Notice in the letter above you don’t share how you feel, just others). To regain your connection to your Spirit, you need to remember to F.E.E.L.: Feel Every Emotion as Love rather than feel.
When you “feel” from the emotional stone-ages, you are going to feel angry, sad and frustrated that others are treating you this way. You are going to feel like the victim and feel powerless. You cry, mope, whine, maybe even act passive-aggressive at times because your ego is telling you that there is nothing you can do. It is the other person’s fault they are so mean, disrespectful, inconsiderate etc…
When you F.E.E.L., you still feel anger, sadness and frustration yet you realize those feelings are present to serve and support you to grow in order that you can create a fulfilling life that you deserve.
- Your frustration is present for you to recognize that how you are going about handling your relationships is no longer working. Maybe it used to work for you in the short-term to feel validated by others by doing whatever they want but you are to painfully aware of how this is limiting you now. It is time to take different action.
- Your sadness is present to support you to get clear about what that action should be. In your case, your Essence is begging you to begin to validate your choices regardless of how others react. Your Spirit is also desires clarity around how you receive love from you.
- Your anger will be present to support you to own your power and take action to support your Essence to evolve. Your Spirit is angry that your ego wins. Honor your eternal fire when it ignites to serve rather than hinder you. Your Essence knows that you deserve people in your life who honor you and make you feel good. Why don’t you believe it? Why are you willing to allow others to treat you this way? Your anger will be present supporting you to claim “ No Longer Will I Allow This – I DESERVE BETTER!”
There is so much more that is awaiting you A. Use the F.E.E.L. process to guide you to take those next steps. There is so much more that I know your Essence is trying to communicate with you. Listen to your emotions through the voice of love and you will find your way!
Wishing you the love and honor you deserve in your relationships, always!