How to Approach a Complaint from LOVE!

08 Nov 2012, by michelle in Featured, personal development, Stress

Whenever we complain, it is because we are experiencing a level of dissatisfaction about a situation.  Our sense of dissatisfaction occurs when a situation is creating stress, complications, or problems.  Through complaining, we are hoping to be heard and ultimately to address a deeper, unconscious need of being seen, recognized, and valued.   Hence, the real reason we complain is when we don’t feel our needs are being adequately honored.


When you are able to recognize how a situation is making you feel dishonored, you are able to voice your complaint from an empowered standpoint rather than lack.  Most people, unfortunately, do not feel as if their voice matters, which makes their complaints ineffective.  When you don’t feel empowered, whether that is at work or in a relationship, you don’t offer strategies to change the situation.  From a place of unconscious disempowerment is while you’ll turn to making snide comments, gossip, or just plain being rude.  These acts of disempowerment are your ego’s way to try to reclaim power, which of course not only doesn’t work, but also reinforces your sense of powerlessness.

 Approaching Your Complaint from an Empowered Stance

When you approach a complaint from an empowered stance, you recognize the benefit in creating a change for everyone involved and you are able to voice those advantages to others.  When you are truly connected to the advantages this has for the overall good, you are able to present yourself with greater confidence as well as compassion.  You are able to look someone in the eye because you have the clarity for a better vision. At the same time, you are open to understanding where others are coming from as well.  From this stance, you may encounter new information that allows you to recognize what changes you could make as well.  Ultimately, this leads to more effective communication and connection.


In order to ensure you are addressing a complaint from an empowered stance, be cognizant of timing.  First, make sure you are able to respond rather than react to your own feelings.  When you react, you come from a place of lack and powerlessness, which shows up as blame.  On the other hand, when you take a step back, you are able to respond to your feelings.  By choosing to respond from an empowered stance, you are able to recognize how your feelings are guiding you to take action toward changing the circumstances.  Rather than taking out the situation on another (regardless of how involved they are in creating that circumstance), your empowered stance recognizes this as on opportunity to cause a mutually beneficial change.  The situation then automatically shifts from complaining and blaming another, to a discussion in which you claim responsibility for your needs at a deeper level.


Secondly, you are going to have better results by also being aware of timing for those whom you are approaching about a complaint.  If they seem flustered or overwhelmed, save broaching the subject for a time when they can really listen to you.  If this is something that is pressing, you can state to the person “I need to talk to you about something that is very important.  My sense is that now may not be a good time.  Can you give me a time today when you can take a few minutes to sit down and have a ten minute discussion?”  This approach lets the other person involved know that you are thoughtful of both their feelings and their time, which leads to them being more receptive to what you have to share.


The bottom line is your complaints matter!  Even if they do not feel received from another, even when you approach them from an empowered place, they matter.  The reason is because this information about you not feeling heard, seen, or validated is important for YOU to take in about what decisions you need to make.  Rather than look outside yourself for validation, see how this situation is guiding you to validate yourself from within first and foremost.  From this place of inner validation, you gain the certainty about what next step is for your highest good, as well as those involved, and can respond from empowered love rather than fear or lack.

Should you currently be having a challenge with a certain area where your needs aren’t being met, I encourage you to join my upcoming online seminar The Keys to Emotional Mastery.  It is often when you have issue with another, that you are being given an opportunity to access more of your truth and evolve.  It is also where we often get stuck.  Join this FREE gathering so you too can learn how your feelings are guiding you to become more aware of your inner truth and wisdom.  Register here:

Live Fearless – Choose Love,



PS:  I would love to hear about your complaints.  Do you allow yourself to complain or bite your tongue?  Have you approached your complaints from love or fear, now that you are able to look back at them?   Would it also be helpful for me to cover how not to take complaints or criticisms directed toward you so personally??  Keep me posted and share your thoughts below!


  • Jenny

    Hi Michelle, great posting as usual. I would like to know how to keep the balance between taking complaints too seriously and still being open and accepting of one’s sensitivity that allows one to be empathic and empathetic to others. I have been often told I’m too sensitive, but I’ve also now realized that that is a good thing because it helps to make me more empathetic to other people’s feelings and needs. Thank you again!

    • Hi Jenny,

      Great question! The key is to always listen and honor a complaint you receive because what someone is communicating is that they don’t feel seen, heard or valued. Your empathy here is definitely a gift. What you must be aware of in being a sensitive is the desire for you alone to resolve the situation. Your empathy wants to fix the problem, when on both a human and spiritual plane, it may not be yours to fix – at least not entirely. This is calling for you to have personal boundaries to recognize that which is yours to own and allow the other involved their space and your trust in their ability to resolve their part as well.

      Continued Blessings!

  • Judy G

    This is a wonderful write up. I have realized why I hurt when I have a complaint to make. I always want the other person to take the responsibility – not me, of course I am innocent at that moment and time!! I think I bottle up a lot of ego. This does not make me an angry person, far from that. I am usually very happy, loving and peaceful but, I have to practice what Michelle suggests. Thanks and have a wonderful day today.

  • Denise

    It’s hard for me to speak my mind in personal friendships. I have a pending issue with a “friend” right now. I’ve known her for 16-years and what I’ve come to realize is that over the last 10-years, I have become afraid to speak my true thoughts to her because she is a know-it-all authoritarian who has an answer for everything. (She’ll give you an answer that makes absolutely no sense just to put herself about you.) She’s making bad decisions but the worst thing is, she takes my ideas, uses them as her own, and then teaches me a lesson with my own ideas in front of everyone. Now, she’s presenting herself as the very person I have worked hard to become in my own career. This has gotten so out of hand because of my own inability to stand up to her and disagree with her when I clearly see she is wrong. What I’ve learned about not speaking up is that ultimately, I end up being more aggravated with myself than the other person. Had I stood up in the appropraite manner, it would have never gotten to this point in the first place. Thank you for this article. It really is empowering.

    • Hi Denise,

      Good for you for being able to see for yourself what this situation is calling for you to do! You are ready to claim more of your power. She was simply a vehicle for you to do so. Great work!

      Wishing you to continue to be fearless & choose love,