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What to do when your feelings are rejected?

29 Sep 2009, by michelle in Uncategorized

When I work with couples, especially, I see how easily it is for one or both people to feel like his/her feelings have been rejected.  Have you ever felt like you have shared something personal only to find another’s reaction to be less than supportive?  What happens is that you share a feeling or pain that is so vulnerable to you, yet because that other person is in her/his own world of pain, she/he cannot be present with you.

Recently, I experienced the rejection and judgment of another after I posted my blog “Not my finest moment.”  The comment was something like “You cry baby pain in the *&%^#, try living in Afghanistan and you will really have something to be in pain about.”

afghanistan

The comment wasn’t quite that nice as stated above, but you get the picture.  My knee-jerk reaction caused me to delete the comment.  Immediately after, I was sorry I did because there was an opportunity to learn and grow from each other.

I reacted the way I did out of my own shame.  For a moment, I thought that person was right, as I have no conceptualization of what their pain feels like.   Although this is true, it is also true that everyone’s pain is relative and dependent on their unique circumstances.  Unfortunately, I have seen too many people suffer with their own pain due to their own belittling of how they feel or someone else belittling their feelings.

For so long, I told myself that I had no right to feel the way I did because in most every respect, I had been dealt a good life.  What I learned to do was deny how I felt and tried to put a smile on my face.  But facts are facts and the fact was at one point in my life I was really sad.  Day after day I carried the weight of how I felt inside me because I was too ashamed to admit how I really felt.  Finally, I couldn’t carry the weight alone any longer.  That is when I realized that even though I have had a good life in many ways doesn’t mean I don’t have the right to feel the way I do.

Others, who are in their own pain, will not agree that you have the right to be in yours.  Their pain is so overwhelming they cannot even see you for you.  There is no way to connect.  The truth is they cannot even see their true sense of self because their pain has overtaken their conceptualization of self.

fork in road jpeg

This is when you have two very important decisions.  One is not to dismiss your pain out of shame.  By knowing you do not need to justify to anyone how you feel, you are able to use your feelings to propel you, rather than weigh you down.  The second choice is to have compassion for their pain.  You have the ability to connect with them through energetic compassion because you both have known pain, no matter how different the pain may look.  It is then that you have the opportunity to model how to transform pain into power.

I am sorry I lost a friend in Afghanistan but even more regretful that I didn’t take the opportunity of how she/he could transform her/his anger into power.  Rather than utilizing her anger from an ego level, there is another opportunity to use that same voice to inform.  That same voice that criticized could also be the voice that shares greater understanding of the emotional, physical and mental toll it takes on someone to live in a war-torn country or to live feeling oppressed.

The bottom line is that when another lacks compassion for you, it is a great opportunity for growth for everyone involved.  Don’t take the rejection personally.  The reaction you are getting is really about the other person’s own rejection of their authentic self.

Live Authentically – Live Exceptionally Well,

Michelle

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