What to Do From an Emotional Consciousness Perspective When You Lose Your Cool?15 Jun 2010, by personal development, Stress in
I’m having a lot of trouble creating boundaries between my sense of peace and my 13 year old son who’s exploring risky behaviors. I wondered if you could speak to that kind of challenge. I find that his behaviors send me into really unwanted tailspins. It’s fine for me to say ok detach. And I already meditate and do yoga, but then he reveals that he’s tried stealing something and wow there goes my cool. I’m looking for ways to better mediate my emotional life so I can be a solid parent to my child. I look forward to hearing your response.
First of all, I want to validate your reaction when you hear that your son has attempted stealing. I am sure it blew you away knowing that he is engaging in behaviors that are not for his highest good. Of course this would be upsetting to you! My bet is, however, that your reaction isn’t feeling good to either yourself or your son. So even though I understand why you lost your cool, I want to support you to move out of the reactionary ego perspective and instead gain clarity and empowerment through emotional consciousness. So whatever you do, don’t detach from your feelings! We need your emotions to understand the next steps you need to take and to improve this situation.
The good news is that your situation applies to everyone when they lose their cool. Regardless of the circumstance, when you lose your cool, the feeling you are experience is first ANGER and second likely frustration. When you learn to recognize these feelings through the lens of love (as in Feel Every Emotion as Love) you can begin to differentiate between the messages of your ego and the messages of your essence.
Your ego reacts in anger when subconsciously you believe that your power has been taken away from you. Roberta, in your case you are feeling powerless as to how to move your son away from engaging in risky behaviors.
Frustration is where “not good enough” lives and seeps in when you feel like you are spinning your wheels. Roberta, because you have likely tried different measures without success, your ego can take a hold and judge your abilities. A part of why your reaction gets so strong is because you take his behaviors and make them personal about you. Although this is common for parents, especially teenage parents, to do, it isn’t your truth.
As your anger and frustration get triggered from your ego, you are going to blow. My work doesn’t say that you have to not ever blow. Sometimes, circumstances just push enough of your buttons. Yet, you are doing yourself a disservice if you don’t understand the inner wisdom coming through to support you to CREATE CHANGE!
As I teach in much greater detail through my F.E.E.L. Virtual Mastery Program (www.MichelleBersell.com/feel), your anger and frustration have much wisdom to share. Anger from a spiritual perspective is always about claiming your power. While frustration is present to tell you that the way you are going about doing things isn’t working and you need to create a shift back to your inner wisdom.
Roberta, your anger is present to tell you to claim the power you still have toward your relationship with your son. Although your ego is telling you that you are powerless in this situation, nothing could be further from the truth. Your son is reaching out to you when he admits that he attempted to steal. Your true power is tapped into when you look to what is triggering this for him. He is looking to you for guidance (no matter how much he may act that he is blowing off what you say) because he told you the truth!
Tap into your own experiences of feeling peer pressure to remember that you did (as well as myself and everyone else) dumb things to get others approval. Have compassion for yourself for your mistakes and use that to have compassion and understanding for him. Then from a loving place, ask him questions such as who he was with, what he was feeling like around them and allow him to begin to see the light of what is really going on within him. Your power is bringing out the truth to what is really going on rather than staying stuck on the surface issue of stealing.
Your frustration is your essence guiding you that things have to change. Put the onus back on him to what he thinks needs to be done to make a change. Don’t let him let his ego off easily. Guide him to stand up for his essence and the man that he wants to become. How can things change to support him to realize that within himself? You can support him but only he can claim it for himself.
The lesson is for all of us that when we lose our cool, we are buying into a version of ourselves and a version of reality that isn’t true. As a person on a path to live more consciously, you can take this experience (and every experience your emotions come up) to become in greater alignment with your truth and power!
Thanks Roberta for sharing your story! Glad to hear that you are already meditating and doing yoga, as those activities will support you to gain access to the inner wisdom that is within each of your feelings.
Live Emotionally Conscious & Live Exceptionally Well,