Care Giver Struggling Reaches Out – Real Advice Given

Hi Michelle,

I have had my 83 year old mother living with me for 9 years and she is illiterate and has never learned the tools to get through life and so i find myself having to do everything for her …even her thinking. She is a demanding, stubborn hard to please woman and as I work full time i am finding life a real struggle. My husband has been pretty patient but he sometimes loses it.

I find i am always depressed, very angry, frustrated and at my wits end. I have tried to have a break from my mother and tried to put her in respite care for a few days but she has absolutely refused to go.

I have been on antidepressants for a few years but they don’t seem to work and as I am under quite a bit of pressure at work i feel like i am ready for a breakdown. I have had quite a few outbursts at work when i am challenged by my lazy male co worker who doesnit seem to cope well with the added pressure that we have been put under with our work.

I feel like running away from everything but I need to work for financial reasons as I have turned to gambling as an out and we have had to remortgage our home as a consequence of my actions. I feel very sorry that i have put my husband in this position but really was incapable of realizing the consequences of my actions at the time due to being depressed and the medication maybe numbing my feelings.

I am in a real mess and would appreciate any help from yourself.

Warmest Regards,

MB

 

Dear MB, (Hey, we share the same initials, how about that!)

Thank you for writing me and admitting your true feelings.  So many people I have supported who are also caregivers struggle to reveal their real emotions.  They become accustom to shoving down these feelings and then suffering in other areas of their life.

I share this with you not only to honor your courage but to also share with others the importance of sharing our true feelings.  By allowing yourself to be vulnerable not only do you not have to suffer alone but neither do the thousands of caregivers who are also struggling.  A message for all of us is that covering up your feelings only causes greater suffering.

Okay, now onto your challenge as a caregiver.  The truth is, MB, you should feel as you stated “depressed, very angry, frustrated and at my wits end “ because how your life is set up right now is not working for you.  You are struggling emotionally at that depth because it is at that depth that you need to take a hold of your life and create change. 

What you have done is what society teaches us to do, react to our emotions on an ego level.  The emotions feel overwhelming to us, we stuff them down and then we do crazy things to try to escape how we really feel.  This is the reality, MB, of what has caused you to turn to gambling.  You were looking for a magic cure all to take away the pain you are feeling. 

The truth is there is no magic pill to take.  The only way to remedy the situation is going to be through your hard work. I know the last thing you want is more hard after all you have on your plate.  Let’s face it though, dealing with your feelings based on the ego has made your life worse, as you now have debt to deal with on top of care giving for your mother.  

If you were to F.E.E.L., you would see that your anger, frustration and depression are due to you not owning your power completely in this situation.  Now you have further given it away with gambling.  To turn this around, first your inner work of not seeing yourself as a victim. I say this with great compassion because I feel like it is one of the most common ways we unknowingly self-sabotage and it is pretty easy to do.  The truth is your reality is tough.  Being a care giver takes immense amount of energy and if that energy is depleted in you, there won’t be any to give.  Rather than be a victim of your circumstances, in which you feel helpless to create change, your feelings are telling you to own your power. 

My sense is for you that this begins with creating greater personal boundaries.  I intuitively feel that you are operating based on old roles where what your moms says go, as if you were still a young child.  This is very common for women and their relationships with their mothers.  As you age, your role and relationship with your parents needs to reflect who you are as an adult.  Many parent-child relationships never mature and cause a lot of unnecessary ill-will, pain and struggle. 

Besides your boundaries with your mother, my sense is that this is a problem with other people in your life as well, especially other family.  Are you buying into being defined by how they perceive you?  My sense is that you are and then your actions become a self-fulfilling prophecy.    

This is tough work and I don’t sugar coat it because I don’t feel that it is nice to mislead you.  I want to give you the beginning steps as what you do have the power to take responsibility for in your life.  As you do begin to take personal responsibility, you will find how these other pieces begin to fall into place.  If you re-establish a relationship with your true self, which can be done by listening to the real message underneath your feelings, you will find the exact guidance you need to turn this situation around one step at a time.  THIS WILL NOT BE A QUICK FIX.  These changes will take some doing on your part, yet I know they will work.  You are worth making this happen MB. You are worth making your life work for you. It can happen but you must find yourself worthy of taking such effort.

Thank you again MB for sharing your struggle and walking this path with me to live your life more emotionally conscious and well!

Are you adding stress to your stress?

We all create an illusionary world in our minds.   The illusion is not based on fact, but rather assumptions gathered from information we picked up here and there.  It is how our brain processes information to a degree in order to make sense of our world easier and faster.  Although this may support us not to get overwhelmed with facts, there is a cost.  We end up adding stress to our stress.

On a smaller scale, most of you will get caught in some illusion daily.  The most common I know of (based off my personal and professional experience) is the illusion of stress.  This isn’t to say life isn’t really getting busier or more challenging at those times.  I am sure they are.  Yet, you are also giving your stress meaning based on illusion.

For instance, maybe your workload has increased.  You may be saying to yourself “How am I ever going to fit more work in?  I can barely make it through the day as it is. “ Believe it or not, the stress isn’t about the increased work.  The increased work has further implications to you in your mind.  Maybe it is about your unwillingness to make yourself a priority.  Maybe the increased work sets off alarms about your inability to succeed.  Whatever those implications are, they are not necessarily real.  They are not a truth.  Yet, you act as if they are.  This is when you give the illusion power to become your reality.

Another version to the above scenario is the underlying illusion that as work increases, so does the notion that you’ll ever take time to care for you.  You have bought into the illusion that you have no time for self-care.  The truth is there will never be time for self-care, unless you create the time.

On a larger scale, the illusion can cause you to lose your sense of self.  Not too long ago, I met Ryan, a guy, who on the outside, seemed to have it all together.  Ryan was always goofing around and joking.  In fact, he seemed to be living life fully and happily (which is exactly what he wanted you to think). He appeared to have an amazing job that allowed him to take the summers off while still being able to afford a nice home etc…  Ryan seemed happy with his family and kids.  Plus, he was in good shape. What more from life could he want?  It turned out to be a lot more.

A year later, when I saw Ryan, a lot had changed.  He still tried to present himself as the chipper, happy-go-lucky guy of his image yet, you could sense his pain.  Ryan and his wife divorced.  The truth about his job was uncovered, which was that he was really unemployed and only surviving off an inheritance.  He could no longer uphold the image of “having it all.”

When I found out the truth about Ryan, I saw how easily we can fall victim to the illusion.  You see, it was easier for him to buy into the illusionary world he had created.  The illusionary version of his life was so much better, in his mind, than his real life.  His real life involved pain, pain that he did not want to have to address.  Yet, his pain became elongated by Ryan trying to hold up an image of himself that wasn’t true.

As a psychotherapist and life coach, people admit to me all the time how untrue the image that they project out into the world actually is.  The reason they project the image in the first place is because they believe that their lives should be better or different than it currently is.  Due to this belief, life feels painful because it is based off the illusion.  In other words, instead of truly living, they are living to protect the image they have created.

The pain comes from either trying to measure up to that standard or putting yourself down for not meeting the standard.  The truth is that in being human, you ebb and flow.  You will not always feel happy, rich, successful, loveable or in good health.  When you define yourself based off only the highs, you guarantee internal struggle.  When you accept your reality wherever you are at on the continuum of life, you feel good because you will feel empowered.

To relieve some of your stress, begin by letting go of what stress is supposed to be.  You don’t need to make assumptions about how your stress will impact you.  There is an opportunity that despite the stress for you to choose differently.  Do so by being awake instead of being the sheep following the herd.

To live a life in which you feel lighter, let go of the illusion of what a fulfilled life looks like.  Do so by holding the dichotic feelings of having a sense of fulfillment while also having a sense of yearning within you.  You will find the freedom of not being weighted down by pretending.  Plus, you will be one of the few who are truly open to having all your dreams come true.

Have you overcome an illusion?  Have comments about this blog?  Please share your ideas and opinions.  I would love to hear from you!

Having a hard time unplugging?

Many times I over hear people saying they need to get away and unplug for a few days.  Now with the advancements of technology, a getaway does not necessarily mean you are unplugging.  It takes a conscious effort that many people have a hard time keeping their own promise to disconnect.

A recent study explains the reason why we have a hard time unplugging is because when emails and posts come in on social sites come in an emotional response similar to that to gambling.  We want to open up these sites or emails to see what we have possibly won so to speak.  There are even some alerts now to tell you when you receive a post or email, which reinforces that trigger.  Even though not all posts/emails are “feel good” ones, there is an addiction like gambling to see what the next one might offer you.

(Insert pic here of someone on their computer looking either super engaged or overwhelmed)

Tips and tricks:

1) Literally unplug your internet connection at work.  Allow yourself only specific times to re-plug into your connection in order that you don’t get distracted when alerts come your way.

2)  Record the time you spend throughout the day peeking or going back and forth to email.  Now pick a day in which you wait until the end of the day to respond and see how much less time is wasted.  Establish a system that allows you to be the most productive while still being attentive to communications coming your way.  Alert those who feel they need to urgently get to you that they can call you instead.  This will keep the vast majority of communications at bay until you are ready to proceed.

3) Check email at the end of the day.  At the end of the day, we are already on the decline of our productivity.  You want to use the beginning of your day to tackle projects that will take the most mental and emotional energy to get through.  Emails tend to be mostly mundane work that you can attend to even when you are beginning to fade.

Not my proudest moment…How I dealt with anger & frustration

Let me explain first.  I live a blessed life filled with support.  So when that support is gone for a week, I really feel it.  First, we have a sitter two afternoons a week that was out last week due to a minor surgery.  Later that same week on Thursday evening, my husband, who is also a true partner when it comes to our kids and home, left on a weekend getaway with friends. 

Now I know there are some women who are single moms or whose husbands travel and are able to manage their children all the time.  Unfortunately, the full-time stay at home mom gig is not my strong suit.  I readily admit that being a full-time mom is not something I could do well.  That statement proved to be true as me and my children’s weekend alone was coming to an end on Saturday evening. 

 After taking my kids to a museum Saturday afternoon, I had planned a fun evening of staying up late to watch a movie together.  As we were having dinner, my head was throbbing.  I just wanted to get done with dinner, get the kids ready for bed and relax in front of the t.v.  Unfortunately, my twin boys, now five, were quite overly tired.  In their wound up state, they decided to spill their milk glasses collectively three times.  Once I could handle.  Twice, I was frustrated.  The third time, I lost it!

 As milk slowly ran off the counter, onto the chair, down the cabinet and onto the floor for the third time, you would think there would be some real remorse from my sons.  Not that night!  My wound up boys stated their apologies and then burst into laughter. 

That did it!  Being completely exhausted and exasperated, I shouted at them “Get out! Go upstairs now!”  As I chased them up the stairs they were shouting how they didn’t want to go upstairs alone because they were scared of monsters.  With all the compassion I had left (that would be none by the way) I stated to them, “Good get up there because the monsters love to eat naughty boys!”

 

 Seriously, what is wrong with me?  I put the boys in their room and I started to cry.  Obviously, at that point, I knew I wasn’t doing a good job of taking care of my kids, as I seemed to be scaring the crap out of them.  Hot and heavy tears started rolling down my face and I fell to the floor filled with humiliation for how I had acted.  As I sat there bawling on the floor (yes, it was the ugly cry with snot fully running down my face), I was convinced my kids did not love me.  I told them as much.  I had tried to be good to them by doing fun things with them, yet in return all I got was non-listening, griping kids that day.

 My sadness was a real shocker to them!  I can think of maybe one other time that I broke down into tears because of them.  Right then, they had all felt remorseful, even my daughter who was at least being behaved at dinner.  As we all cried, hugged and shared our love for one another, I felt we were moving onto greener pastures.  “Let’s move on, clean up the kitchen, get ready for bed and watch our movie.”  Smiles and laughter spread through us all, as the relief of the pain had lifted.

 The honeymoon lasted no longer than five minutes, I kid you not.  All it took was a phone call and my kids were at it again.  Seeing me on the phone was an invitation for them to act up by teasing each other. After my repeated attempts to have them stop, I hung up the phone further exasperated and sad. 

 

Again, tears poured down my cheeks.  This time, I felt my spirit feel defeated, as I inwardly felt myself shutting down.  I didn’t care how my kids got to bed, I just wanted them to leave me alone.  I told them how I couldn’t believe after just explaining to them how sad it makes me when they don’t listen that they were at it again.  This time, my six year old daughter saw her part in the frustration and was truly remorseful.  One of the twins felt sad.  The other twin decided he would throw a fit because we were no longer going to watch a movie. 

Now if you think this true story is bad enough, it gets worse.  I lost it on my son!  I pinned him down and screamed in his little five year old face “You JERK!”  I continued full of anger “How dare you throw a fit when you see your mommy so sad!” 

With that, I sent him and my other two kids out of my room and shut the door.  It was clear to me that I needed my own time out.  Obviously, the only JERK is the grown person who screams at a five year old– that would be me! 

 Five minutes later, my kids meekly open up my door.  All I could muster up was a voice no louder than a whisper and exasperatedly asked them what they wanted.  My daughter spoke up and said “all we want is you.”  With that I knew I had to let go of my pain and be there for them.  They too were going through their own emotions as they saw their mom, who is usually quite solid, breaking down before them.  As I started to get them ready for bed, my son who I berated came up to me, looked deep into my eyes and said “mom, do you forgive me?”  My heart melted, looking back into his eyes I said “Yes honey.  Do you forgive me too?”  Gratefully, he did. 

After watching our movie and getting everyone to bed, I was emotionally and physically exhausted.  Inside I felt empty, sad and ashamed.  Prior to going to bed that night I said to God, “Obviously, not my best day,” which was about all I could muster.  The energetic response I received back in my heart had no judgment toward me, rather all I felt was compassion.  I was still saddened by all the turmoil of the day, yet I also realized I didn’t have to go down the path of self-persecution. 

I share this story with all the gory details for many reasons.  One is that I often see both women and men beating themselves up about their parenting.  Most all of us have at least one story when we didn’t handle ourselves in the best light.  Even though I knew to some my story may be shocking, I wanted the less-than-perfect parents to know that they are not alone.

I also wanted to give you an example of me emotionally “losing it.”  Our emotions can show our human side with such rawness and vulnerability that even amidst the ugliness, beauty can unfold.  I don’t like how I scared my kids and used my physical advantage on one of my son’s to pin down his little arms.  At the same time, there were lessons to be learned by all of us involved.  I would have never thought that my sons would understand how their behavior impacts me.  They are too little, I thought. Now, they get it. 

Even though I temporarily rocked my kids’ world with my emotional outburst, I feel there is good that came from the pain we shared.  My kids experienced firsthand that even though for the vast majority of the time I can be a solid foundation for them, I am vulnerable too.  In fact, by sharing with them my vulnerability I feel that I and we, as a family unit, become stronger.  I showed them from a very raw state that they are needed.  I need their support.  

From our pain, there always is gain.  What I typically share is how to utilize our feelings so that we have less emotional drama.  Given how draining this outburst was, I am glad I only go through emotional challenges like this about once a year!  Being human, however, we cannot completely avoid the drama.  Every once in a while, feelings are bound to pour out of us.  When they do, be sure there are big lessons to teach us coming from our pain.  Yet, these lessons can only be taken in when our feelings are listened to by us and balanced.  Because my kids had not seen me in the state I was in ever before, there was power behind my feelings.  The strength of the feelings was necessary in order for the message to be relayed.  I say this very cautiously.  The point is if this was common behavior on my end, the message would have been lost in the drama.  The point is that we have to allow the force that is behind the emotion to come through at times.  When we do so, we must always be watchful of how our egos want to take over. 

For sure, we do not show our best side when the drama seeps out of us, which is why so many people try to avoid it.  Yet, how else would we learn, forgive and grow as humans?  Accepting and honoring our less than admirable side is the key to loving ourselves and others more fully.  I accept my darkness as equally as I accept my light.  Both are a part of me and have their purpose to support me to fulfill my life’s work.  As I share and accept my darkness, I hope that you are able to recognize and honor your own as an equally significant and beautifully vulnerable part of you!

With Authentic Love and Compassion,

Michelle