How High is Your Pain Tolerance When It Comes to Stress?

Did you ever play those games when you were a kid to see how far you could bend back your fingers without giving up in pain?  How about allowing a relative or friend to keep hitting you harder and harder to see how long you could take it without giving up?  In both of these cases, the more pain you could tolerate, the stronger you were viewed.  I am sure at one point or another you gave it a try in order to avoid being called a wimp.

These silly games you play as a kid imprints a lasting message in your psyche.  The message is you are somehow better if you are tough and learn to “suck up” the pain or discomfort that you are feeling.   This message has been reiterated by adults as well because of the belief that you need to be able tolerate pain because life is not always fair.

The unfortunate outcome is that you learn how to tolerate your pain too well.  The result is suffering with your careers, your relationships and/or your sense of self due to your great tolerance of pain.  You have learned loud and clear that you are better off sucking it up.  You pull yourself up by the boot straps and try to move forward all the while ignoring the pain the best you can. 

What you don’t think about is how this will impact you in the long-term because you have been trained not to.  There is this pain reliever/aspirin commercial that demonstrates this so well.  The storyline is that this man suffers from pains that hold him back from accomplishing what he wants.  Presto — when he takes his pain reliever, we see him strong, being able to climb any mountain and accomplish his dream.   The message is that here is an easy way to cover up your pain that allows you to achieve all that you desire.  What I am thinking is this poor guy – he thinks he is being so strong by pushing himself past his limits and he is going to wake up to some major pain possibly even hurting himself physically to the point where it is beyond repair.  This commercial reiterates what you have all been taught to believe, which is if you toughen up and cover up your pain, you will then be able to get what you want.  This may work for the short-term but in the long run you end up hurting yourself even more. 

By ignoring your pain there is another part deep down within you that believes in the message of the pain rather than hearing the truth.  The truth is that your emotions want to share with you how to alleviate the pain for good.   Rather than hear this message, you are too focused on putting your best self forward all the while ignoring the hurt you feel.  What this actually does is keep you stuck and that is the sad part because it doesn’t have to be that way.

There are few people who are born without having the sensitivity to pain in their bodies. Their inability to feel the pain puts them in great danger and they end up getting hurt often.  Others have to keep a close watch on them because they do not register the signals that tell them what is taxing or hurting them.

I believe our society as a whole is suffering because we have tampered with the amazing gift of our emotional sensitivity.  Rather than picking up on the emotional signals that tell you when something is not good, you tolerate what isn’t good for you.  Worse yet is how you tell yourself to get over it, move on, think positively or be the better person and rise above it.  The reality is that you are just telling yourself that you are not sick of these circumstances enough to make a change.  In other words, you are telling your pain to bring on some more because you can and will take more pain. 

Once you have reached the point where you are so tired of the pain and so exhausted from fighting, only then will change occur.  The gift is that your pain doesn’t have to reach that point in order for you to take action.  So what is it going to be for you — a high pain tolerance or a low pain tolerance? 

My hope is that you will join me in having a low pain tolerance.  With a low pain tolerance you will recognize your sadness, anger or frustration more often.  The difference is that you will see this as a gift that will help you to live your life even better.  Trust me, it is not the emotions that are so painful rather it is the truth that you are trying to deny.  But remember the truth will always set you free.  Doesn’t living freely sound better than living chained to the pain?

Live Authentically – Live Exceptionally Well,

Michelle

5 Ways to Regain Power When You Feel Powerless

You have likely had an experience in which you were relying on someone, only to find out they let you down.  Maybe you were counting on a co-worker or family member to pitch in, or perhaps you hired someone who said they could get the job done but lacked the expertise to get it done right.  Whatever the case is, when you are counting on someone and they don’t fulfill their end of the deal, you are left trying to right their wrongs.  If you don’t carry the skill set required that the other person was to fulfill, you can really feel powerless to correct the situation.  No matter how grim the situation looks, use these 5 methods to regain your personal sense of power.

1) Pray or Meditate – If you believe in a higher power, prayer can be the most powerful action you can do.  Of course, this involves trust and patience, yet it can put your mind at ease knowing that your needs will be met.  For both believers and non-believers, meditation is another supportive tool to get you back to your center. As you connect with the peace within you, you are able to tap into your inner wisdom to guide you.

2) Focus on the Present – Eckhart Tolle got this right!  When you are completely engaged in the present moment, there is no room for past or future.  Plus, being in the present allows joy and gratitude to surface.  Rather than giving your power away by focusing on that which you don’t have control over, turn to the gifts of the present.  

 3) Engage in Activities that Reinforce Your Belief System – So many times when you feel overwhelmed, it is easier to find yourself turning to coping activities rather than empowering activities.  Coping activities are those that either make you feel worse (like eating, drinking or shopping too much), or pass time but do nothing to improve your state of mind (watching tv or internet surfing).  Empowering activities remind you of the gifts that are within you and around you.  These activities can include reading an inspirational book, doing yoga or watching an against-all-odds movie.  Whatever works for you to build up your sense of faith and power is the conscious choice you want to be making at this time.

 4) Talk Out Your Problem With a Trusted Friend –  Talking out your problem with a trusted friend will give you support in many ways.  First you will feel validated, which allows you to move past your ego and gain clarity toward real solutions that help you move forward.  If a friend isn’t available right away, pick up a journal and write about the situation, as if you were telling it to a friend.  You’ll be amazed at the clarity that can be made by that simple step!

 5) Seek Help – If the person who was supposed to support you doesn’t fulfill her or his end of the deal, seek further assistance.  What are the other resources available? Are there others who can come in and address the problem at hand?   The more people you have on your side, the more options you have to resolve the situation in a way that feels good to you.  Let others who are impacted know so that they can help, even if it is simply by being patient.

Use these tools in whatever order or fashion that authentically allows you to move past the illusion of problem and into creating resolution.  Through the use of these tools, not only did I regain my sense of power, I also received two gifts.  The first gift was learning that I can still enjoy life, even when an important aspect has gone awry.  The second gift was a personal reinforcement revealing that I was on the right path and had gained the lessons I needed to in order to more easily fulfill my life’s work.  By using these tools, you too will see the hidden gifts that await you the next time you feel powerless!

 Live Authentically – Live Exceptionally Well,

Michelle

4 Steps to Ensure You Do Not Fall Victim to Victim Mentality

Victim mentality can be summed up through these four characteristics:
1) You feel sorry for yourself
2) You feel like chasing your tail
3) You fear failure
4) You have been in this pattern for an extended period of time (1 month plus)

The truth is you need to be able to feel sorry for yourself once in a while or feel fear. Who doesn’t feel this way when dealing with stress? Having these feelings periodically is part of your normal personal growth, especially when you are facing change. You simply do not want to remain in this state. It is important to feel how you do and have compassion for yourself. Yet, if you stay in this state too long, you risk injuring your self-esteem.

If the above four points sound too familiar, here are some steps that not only help with stress management but also allow you to move forward.

1) Make your long-term goals the priority. Victims feel sorry for themselves because they get too caught up in the everyday to-do’s rather than their long term vision.
2) Create a plan and schedule in time for your long-term objectives. If you are in victim mode, you will feel too overwhelmed when really all that is need is organization of your time.
3) Make sure you are taking real action. As part of your goals, make sure you are including action steps each day. When you are in victim mode, you tend to overly think about what you want to do rather than actually doing it.
4) Be flexible. If something doesn’t go as planned, you don’t need to take it as a personal assault against you and give up. People who have created a fulfilled life do so by trying again or trying another route.

If you are feeling stuck in the victim mode and would like more information on a breakthrough session, contact Michelle at Michelle@MichelleBersell.com.

Are you adding stress to your stress?

We all create an illusionary world in our minds.   The illusion is not based on fact, but rather assumptions gathered from information we picked up here and there.  It is how our brain processes information to a degree in order to make sense of our world easier and faster.  Although this may support us not to get overwhelmed with facts, there is a cost.  We end up adding stress to our stress.

On a smaller scale, most of you will get caught in some illusion daily.  The most common I know of (based off my personal and professional experience) is the illusion of stress.  This isn’t to say life isn’t really getting busier or more challenging at those times.  I am sure they are.  Yet, you are also giving your stress meaning based on illusion.

For instance, maybe your workload has increased.  You may be saying to yourself “How am I ever going to fit more work in?  I can barely make it through the day as it is. “ Believe it or not, the stress isn’t about the increased work.  The increased work has further implications to you in your mind.  Maybe it is about your unwillingness to make yourself a priority.  Maybe the increased work sets off alarms about your inability to succeed.  Whatever those implications are, they are not necessarily real.  They are not a truth.  Yet, you act as if they are.  This is when you give the illusion power to become your reality.

Another version to the above scenario is the underlying illusion that as work increases, so does the notion that you’ll ever take time to care for you.  You have bought into the illusion that you have no time for self-care.  The truth is there will never be time for self-care, unless you create the time.

On a larger scale, the illusion can cause you to lose your sense of self.  Not too long ago, I met Ryan, a guy, who on the outside, seemed to have it all together.  Ryan was always goofing around and joking.  In fact, he seemed to be living life fully and happily (which is exactly what he wanted you to think). He appeared to have an amazing job that allowed him to take the summers off while still being able to afford a nice home etc…  Ryan seemed happy with his family and kids.  Plus, he was in good shape. What more from life could he want?  It turned out to be a lot more.

A year later, when I saw Ryan, a lot had changed.  He still tried to present himself as the chipper, happy-go-lucky guy of his image yet, you could sense his pain.  Ryan and his wife divorced.  The truth about his job was uncovered, which was that he was really unemployed and only surviving off an inheritance.  He could no longer uphold the image of “having it all.”

When I found out the truth about Ryan, I saw how easily we can fall victim to the illusion.  You see, it was easier for him to buy into the illusionary world he had created.  The illusionary version of his life was so much better, in his mind, than his real life.  His real life involved pain, pain that he did not want to have to address.  Yet, his pain became elongated by Ryan trying to hold up an image of himself that wasn’t true.

As a psychotherapist and life coach, people admit to me all the time how untrue the image that they project out into the world actually is.  The reason they project the image in the first place is because they believe that their lives should be better or different than it currently is.  Due to this belief, life feels painful because it is based off the illusion.  In other words, instead of truly living, they are living to protect the image they have created.

The pain comes from either trying to measure up to that standard or putting yourself down for not meeting the standard.  The truth is that in being human, you ebb and flow.  You will not always feel happy, rich, successful, loveable or in good health.  When you define yourself based off only the highs, you guarantee internal struggle.  When you accept your reality wherever you are at on the continuum of life, you feel good because you will feel empowered.

To relieve some of your stress, begin by letting go of what stress is supposed to be.  You don’t need to make assumptions about how your stress will impact you.  There is an opportunity that despite the stress for you to choose differently.  Do so by being awake instead of being the sheep following the herd.

To live a life in which you feel lighter, let go of the illusion of what a fulfilled life looks like.  Do so by holding the dichotic feelings of having a sense of fulfillment while also having a sense of yearning within you.  You will find the freedom of not being weighted down by pretending.  Plus, you will be one of the few who are truly open to having all your dreams come true.

Have you overcome an illusion?  Have comments about this blog?  Please share your ideas and opinions.  I would love to hear from you!

Having a hard time unplugging?

Many times I over hear people saying they need to get away and unplug for a few days.  Now with the advancements of technology, a getaway does not necessarily mean you are unplugging.  It takes a conscious effort that many people have a hard time keeping their own promise to disconnect.

A recent study explains the reason why we have a hard time unplugging is because when emails and posts come in on social sites come in an emotional response similar to that to gambling.  We want to open up these sites or emails to see what we have possibly won so to speak.  There are even some alerts now to tell you when you receive a post or email, which reinforces that trigger.  Even though not all posts/emails are “feel good” ones, there is an addiction like gambling to see what the next one might offer you.

(Insert pic here of someone on their computer looking either super engaged or overwhelmed)

Tips and tricks:

1) Literally unplug your internet connection at work.  Allow yourself only specific times to re-plug into your connection in order that you don’t get distracted when alerts come your way.

2)  Record the time you spend throughout the day peeking or going back and forth to email.  Now pick a day in which you wait until the end of the day to respond and see how much less time is wasted.  Establish a system that allows you to be the most productive while still being attentive to communications coming your way.  Alert those who feel they need to urgently get to you that they can call you instead.  This will keep the vast majority of communications at bay until you are ready to proceed.

3) Check email at the end of the day.  At the end of the day, we are already on the decline of our productivity.  You want to use the beginning of your day to tackle projects that will take the most mental and emotional energy to get through.  Emails tend to be mostly mundane work that you can attend to even when you are beginning to fade.

Not my proudest moment…How I dealt with anger & frustration

Let me explain first.  I live a blessed life filled with support.  So when that support is gone for a week, I really feel it.  First, we have a sitter two afternoons a week that was out last week due to a minor surgery.  Later that same week on Thursday evening, my husband, who is also a true partner when it comes to our kids and home, left on a weekend getaway with friends. 

Now I know there are some women who are single moms or whose husbands travel and are able to manage their children all the time.  Unfortunately, the full-time stay at home mom gig is not my strong suit.  I readily admit that being a full-time mom is not something I could do well.  That statement proved to be true as me and my children’s weekend alone was coming to an end on Saturday evening. 

 After taking my kids to a museum Saturday afternoon, I had planned a fun evening of staying up late to watch a movie together.  As we were having dinner, my head was throbbing.  I just wanted to get done with dinner, get the kids ready for bed and relax in front of the t.v.  Unfortunately, my twin boys, now five, were quite overly tired.  In their wound up state, they decided to spill their milk glasses collectively three times.  Once I could handle.  Twice, I was frustrated.  The third time, I lost it!

 As milk slowly ran off the counter, onto the chair, down the cabinet and onto the floor for the third time, you would think there would be some real remorse from my sons.  Not that night!  My wound up boys stated their apologies and then burst into laughter. 

That did it!  Being completely exhausted and exasperated, I shouted at them “Get out! Go upstairs now!”  As I chased them up the stairs they were shouting how they didn’t want to go upstairs alone because they were scared of monsters.  With all the compassion I had left (that would be none by the way) I stated to them, “Good get up there because the monsters love to eat naughty boys!”

 

 Seriously, what is wrong with me?  I put the boys in their room and I started to cry.  Obviously, at that point, I knew I wasn’t doing a good job of taking care of my kids, as I seemed to be scaring the crap out of them.  Hot and heavy tears started rolling down my face and I fell to the floor filled with humiliation for how I had acted.  As I sat there bawling on the floor (yes, it was the ugly cry with snot fully running down my face), I was convinced my kids did not love me.  I told them as much.  I had tried to be good to them by doing fun things with them, yet in return all I got was non-listening, griping kids that day.

 My sadness was a real shocker to them!  I can think of maybe one other time that I broke down into tears because of them.  Right then, they had all felt remorseful, even my daughter who was at least being behaved at dinner.  As we all cried, hugged and shared our love for one another, I felt we were moving onto greener pastures.  “Let’s move on, clean up the kitchen, get ready for bed and watch our movie.”  Smiles and laughter spread through us all, as the relief of the pain had lifted.

 The honeymoon lasted no longer than five minutes, I kid you not.  All it took was a phone call and my kids were at it again.  Seeing me on the phone was an invitation for them to act up by teasing each other. After my repeated attempts to have them stop, I hung up the phone further exasperated and sad. 

 

Again, tears poured down my cheeks.  This time, I felt my spirit feel defeated, as I inwardly felt myself shutting down.  I didn’t care how my kids got to bed, I just wanted them to leave me alone.  I told them how I couldn’t believe after just explaining to them how sad it makes me when they don’t listen that they were at it again.  This time, my six year old daughter saw her part in the frustration and was truly remorseful.  One of the twins felt sad.  The other twin decided he would throw a fit because we were no longer going to watch a movie. 

Now if you think this true story is bad enough, it gets worse.  I lost it on my son!  I pinned him down and screamed in his little five year old face “You JERK!”  I continued full of anger “How dare you throw a fit when you see your mommy so sad!” 

With that, I sent him and my other two kids out of my room and shut the door.  It was clear to me that I needed my own time out.  Obviously, the only JERK is the grown person who screams at a five year old– that would be me! 

 Five minutes later, my kids meekly open up my door.  All I could muster up was a voice no louder than a whisper and exasperatedly asked them what they wanted.  My daughter spoke up and said “all we want is you.”  With that I knew I had to let go of my pain and be there for them.  They too were going through their own emotions as they saw their mom, who is usually quite solid, breaking down before them.  As I started to get them ready for bed, my son who I berated came up to me, looked deep into my eyes and said “mom, do you forgive me?”  My heart melted, looking back into his eyes I said “Yes honey.  Do you forgive me too?”  Gratefully, he did. 

After watching our movie and getting everyone to bed, I was emotionally and physically exhausted.  Inside I felt empty, sad and ashamed.  Prior to going to bed that night I said to God, “Obviously, not my best day,” which was about all I could muster.  The energetic response I received back in my heart had no judgment toward me, rather all I felt was compassion.  I was still saddened by all the turmoil of the day, yet I also realized I didn’t have to go down the path of self-persecution. 

I share this story with all the gory details for many reasons.  One is that I often see both women and men beating themselves up about their parenting.  Most all of us have at least one story when we didn’t handle ourselves in the best light.  Even though I knew to some my story may be shocking, I wanted the less-than-perfect parents to know that they are not alone.

I also wanted to give you an example of me emotionally “losing it.”  Our emotions can show our human side with such rawness and vulnerability that even amidst the ugliness, beauty can unfold.  I don’t like how I scared my kids and used my physical advantage on one of my son’s to pin down his little arms.  At the same time, there were lessons to be learned by all of us involved.  I would have never thought that my sons would understand how their behavior impacts me.  They are too little, I thought. Now, they get it. 

Even though I temporarily rocked my kids’ world with my emotional outburst, I feel there is good that came from the pain we shared.  My kids experienced firsthand that even though for the vast majority of the time I can be a solid foundation for them, I am vulnerable too.  In fact, by sharing with them my vulnerability I feel that I and we, as a family unit, become stronger.  I showed them from a very raw state that they are needed.  I need their support.  

From our pain, there always is gain.  What I typically share is how to utilize our feelings so that we have less emotional drama.  Given how draining this outburst was, I am glad I only go through emotional challenges like this about once a year!  Being human, however, we cannot completely avoid the drama.  Every once in a while, feelings are bound to pour out of us.  When they do, be sure there are big lessons to teach us coming from our pain.  Yet, these lessons can only be taken in when our feelings are listened to by us and balanced.  Because my kids had not seen me in the state I was in ever before, there was power behind my feelings.  The strength of the feelings was necessary in order for the message to be relayed.  I say this very cautiously.  The point is if this was common behavior on my end, the message would have been lost in the drama.  The point is that we have to allow the force that is behind the emotion to come through at times.  When we do so, we must always be watchful of how our egos want to take over. 

For sure, we do not show our best side when the drama seeps out of us, which is why so many people try to avoid it.  Yet, how else would we learn, forgive and grow as humans?  Accepting and honoring our less than admirable side is the key to loving ourselves and others more fully.  I accept my darkness as equally as I accept my light.  Both are a part of me and have their purpose to support me to fulfill my life’s work.  As I share and accept my darkness, I hope that you are able to recognize and honor your own as an equally significant and beautifully vulnerable part of you!

With Authentic Love and Compassion,

Michelle

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