Why false perceptions matter

Do you ever find that people have a perception of you that isn’t necessarily true?  People tend to make assumptions about you and your life base on some of the external components to your life.  Do you ever find that you actually want them to believe in that perception they have about you even though it isn’t accurate? I have!

I have learned from experience, however, how something as seemingly harmless as going along with a false perception impacts you.  The impact is unconscious and can have lasting impact.  The reason is because when you go along with a false perception a part of you is hiding – typically hiding from your own shame and judgment.

Allow me to share a recent experience to explain this concept in more detail.  Recently, I was being congratulated by someone I knew fairly well on some recent successes.  They also alluded to the idea that I must be enjoying the financial rewards to my success.  At that moment, I felt a slight twinge.  A part of me so easily could have went with what she was saying by not agreeing or disagreeing and just move along in our conversation.  No harm done right?  Wrong!

What that twinge was about was the fight between my ego and my authentic self.  I knew a part of me wanted her to buy into the false perception that I am currently swimming in the dough!  That was exactly the problem.  Because of my work with emotional consciousness, I knew this was an opportunity for me to recognize that deep within me judgment about my finances existed.  I simply told her that her assumption was not the case.  After our conversation finished was when my inner work began.

Utilizing the tools I teach, I began to play detective regarding what I was judging. Fortunately, I am very fine tuned to my feelings and rather than blow them off, I saw this as a gift that I wanted to claim!  That is the beauty regarding your feelings because they are always available to allow you to expand and grow even more.  Obviously there was more growth for me to do around this topic!

In regard to finances, I have personally grown to understand that my needs and desires are always taken care of, so that wasn’t the issue.  The fear and judgment that came up was in regard to my profession.  I felt shame and embarrassment around the idea that should you (meaning this community) find out about the amount of money I make, you would deem me as no longer credible.  Of course, this is a projection of my own judgments.  The shame is because of my own judgment that exists, even though logically I know it isn’t true.  That is the thing about fears, they aren’t logical.

Even though fears are not completely logical, you will always have others that will fuel your fears.  After discussing this upcoming blog with a few of my peers – coaches, business experts etc.., they told me it was career suicide for me to share my process with you.  I was told that I want others to see me professionally as the image of success.

Image, however, is exactly what I believe hides us from being able to live authentically, freely and more empowered lives.  I know from experience that a part of my potential would be lost should I give into the fear.  So, I choose not to buy into the fear.  I knew that you judge me based on the value of my content, whether it supports you to grow and evolve in your life as well, and not on any image that pretends I don’t have my own process.  In fact, because I do have my own process, I feel that my experiences support me to further understand the traps and ways in which we unconsciously hinder ourselves.

The point of me sharing this with you is not about whether or not I make enough money.  The point is how false perceptions can be an opportunity for you to recognize your fears.    Sometimes your fears jump out.  To consciously grow, however, you want to be a detective to search for what else is waiting within you to evolve away from the ego and into more of your potential.

False perceptions happen all the time because we have the tendency to want people to see us at our best.  You rejoice in sharing the good and blessings that you are able to experience. You need to make sure that you aren’t hiding behind the good in order to remain distant from the judgments and fears within you.

Should you find yourself tempting to hide behind a false perception, use the experience to see how your ego wants you to buy into not being enough for where you are currently at in your life.  This is how shifts begin by not needing what is false to be a part of your identity or self worth.   When you no longer need the illusions of the ego, your ego can let go and make room for creating more of what you desire.    I know this because I have used this process to change many aspects of my life.  The work isn’t always easy but it is definitely worth doing!

The real process of making your dreams a reality

Do you ever feel weighed down, filled with self-doubt or procrastinating?  Good, these are all really good signs that you are on your way to making your dreams happen!  You think I am kidding, I am not.  The truth is that when you go for making a positive shift happen in your life, you are going to run into some internal obstacles.  The reason is that you are being called to expand and share more of yourself in one way or another.

Of course, your ego isn’t going to allow you to claim more of your authentic self and potential without putting up a fight.  As you get closer to taking the next step on your path to claiming potential, you are going to run into self-doubt.  These doubts are going to make you procrastinate and ultimately feel weighted down.

You would think that your goal is to try to get rid of your weighted down feelings and doubts so you can move forward, right?  Wrong!   Making your goal to be getting rid of your negative thoughts and feelings can set you up for an internal battle that you won’t win!  You automatically lose because your energy is being wasted on your ego.

Unfortunately, the vast majority of the self-help tools currently available unknowingly guide you to focus more of your energy and beliefs on your ego rather than your inner truth and power.  Your negative feelings have a more significant meaning that goes beyond the ego, if and when you learn how to let go of the ego drama.

So how do you let go of the ego drama?

SURRENDER! When you consciously choose to surrender to your ego, you aren’t engaging in the battle.  Doing so consciously allows you to listen to what messages your ego is sharing with you.  Now you have those messages out in the open and you see how either ridiculous or repetitive and non-serving they are.  Once the ego feels it has been heard, your authentic voice will have room to share the necessary insight that will support you to move forward.  Then it is up to you to choice which message is going to serve you to obtain your dream.

Rather than surrender, what most people do is try to dismiss, positive think over or rise above their ego message.  Although it sounds nice, it doesn’t work.  You must consciously choose if you want to do what sounds nice or what will actually support you to move forward.  Doing what sounds nice in this instance is reacting based on the old-world understanding regarding your feelings.  Even though you may convince yourself that your ego has diminished, it is impacting you in more unconscious ways that will keep you internally struggling and stagnant.   Rather than freeing the energy of your ego, you are unconsciously empowering it while all along distancing yourself from the true insight your essence is offering you.

Ask yourself what you are afraid of when it comes to surrendering to your ego and that will tell you the power your ego still holds over you.  The answer is to find internal peace and it begins by surrendering to all aspects of you!  This is how you will be able to truly F.E.E.L.: Feel Every Emotion as Love and more profoundly open yourself to the gifts within you.  When those feelings of doubt creep in, rather than weigh you down, F.E.E.L. will give you the insight you need to move forward.  As you trust and follow your insight, feelings that once weighed you down shift to bring you more energy and vitality toward life.  In doing so, your dreams become a reality!

It is an honor to have you join the evolution to live emotionally conscious by realizing how F.E.E.L.: Feel Every Emotion as Love is life changing! If you would like to know how to apply F.E.E.L. more aptly into your own life, consider my F.E.E.L. Virtual Mastery Program at http://www.michellebersell.com/feel/ (While your ego is telling you I am selling to you, your essence knows it is my passion to teach you to hear the truth to your emotions & empower your essence.  Let your essence guide you to determine if this is the support you need to move forward by trying the program risk free with a 100% money-back guarantee.)

Here’s to you living emotionally conscious and exceptionally well,

The Answer to How to Handle Your Anger & Sadness Regarding Oil Gushing into the Gulf

I have heard how furious and sad people are at what has now been going on for months in the Gulf of Mexico.  Are you one of them – furious at BP and furious at the U.S. government’s handling of the situation?  I am one of them too, which is why this blog is for both me and you.

You (and I) vent to others the despair and sickening feeling that you feel, but in the end you cannot stop the oil leak.  You are left not knowing what to do with the anger and sadness you feel toward this tragedy.  What bothers me is that along with this anger and sadness is a sense of hopelessness that there is nothing you can do.  This simply is not true!

Although you and I feel right blaming BP and the government for the mess our ecology is in, I know there is a deeper answer that is waiting for you and me to claim.  You see I teach a process which is called F.E.E.L.: Feel Every Emotion as Love.  I know it sounds like a philosophy for sensitive people or for those emotionally challenged, but it couldn’t be further from the truth.  F.E.E.L.  is a process that gives you empowering insight to what you are feeling.  Because you are constantly feeling about everything throughout your day (whether you are conscious or not), understanding your feelings from this emotionally conscious level changes you and how you go about living your life.

The F.E.E.L. perspective teaches what anger is really about from an emotionally conscious level.  Anger from this perspective is about owning your power.  You see when you turn to BP and the U.S. government about your anger, psychotherapists like myself call that projecting.  It is not that there isn’t merit to that anger you feel, it is just that it keeps you in the victim mode.  When you are the victim, you don’t have power and cannot create changes because you have given away your power to the voice of your ego.

F.E.E.L. supports you to listen to the inner wisdom within you, which recognizes that your feelings are present out of love to guide you back to your inner truth.  You are right to be saddened and angry at the impact on the land and sea, the animals and the chemicals that are being used which will eventually show up in our food chain, causing us health problems.    Your sadness is present to get really clear that you, and I – let’s face it pretty much everyone takes forgranted some aspect of our Earth and her natural resources.  Can you use your sadness to get clear as to how you can honor the Earth even more?

Your anger is present to support you to claim back your power and make changes for and within you.  From this level of understanding, your anger is not about revenge or blame.  Those forms of anger are from the ego.  Your anger from an emotional consciousness perspective supports you to ignite your power and passion to really look at you and where you fall in the picture.

Maybe you can begin with the plastic you waste.  Have you used the power of your voice to demand that we get charged a sizable sum when you forget your grocery bags or does that sound too inconvenient? Do you recognize or blow off your part of the oil dependency cycle that we are in?

Seeing yourself in this light allows you to see how much more similar you and I are to BP and the U.S. government in not taking full responsibility. The government and BP are a mirror to how we don’t yet hold ourselves fully accountable either.  To make the shift happen, begin with you!

There used to be a chosen few who innately knew how to use their negative feelings such as anger, sadness and frustration and use them to empower them.  These are the leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela and Gandhi to name a few.

We can no longer afford to only have a chosen few act from an emotionally conscious level.  You too are being called to Feel Every Emotion as Love so you can live from an empowered state toward all aspects of life.  This Gulf event is an awakening for all of us, myself included, in many ways.

No matter how much you are doing in regard to being environmentally conscious, I guarantee that if you feel sadness or anger that there is more responsibility that you can claim.  This isn’t about being the perfect environmentalist rather this is about your essence yearning for you to take another step toward protecting our Earth.   Be clear if and when you are the victim because then your ego is getting the best of you.  Now is the time to tap into the potential that waits within, which only you can claim!

I would LOVE to hear your ideas about one or two steps you have already taken.  It is very likely that a step that you have already done is a prime example of what someone else can do next!  Also, please share one more step that you are willing to commit to now and set a date of when it will be completed.

Remember it is your ego that would have you believe that your actions are insignificant.  Trust me when I say that your feelings of anger and sadness will begin to shift the moment you beginning following where your essence wants to take you in regard to this situation and every other situation in your life.

Live Emotionally Conscious – Live Exceptionally Well,

www.MichelleBersell.com

PS:  If you would like more support in seeing how your feelings can support you to further tap into your potential, check out my F.E.E.L. Virtual Mastery Program.  In honor of celebrating freedom in all its forms, I would like to extend a $10 off discount for the first month of my F.E.E.L. Virtual Mastery Program.  If you want to learn how your feelings can support you to tap into more of your potential go to www.MichelleBersell.com/feel, which is good until July 4^th.

What to Do From an Emotional Consciousness Perspective When You Lose Your Cool?

Dear Michelle,
I’m having a lot of trouble creating boundaries between my sense of peace and my 13 year old son who’s exploring risky behaviors. I wondered if you could speak to that kind of challenge. I find that his behaviors send me into really unwanted tailspins.  It’s fine for me to say ok detach.  And I already meditate and do yoga, but then he reveals that he’s tried stealing something and wow there goes my cool. I’m looking for ways to better mediate my emotional life so I can be a solid parent to my child. I look forward to hearing your response. 

Roberta

Hi Roberta,

First of all, I want to validate your reaction when you hear that your son has attempted stealing.  I am sure it blew you away knowing that he is engaging in behaviors that are not for his highest good. Of course this would be upsetting to you! My bet is, however, that your reaction isn’t feeling good to either yourself or your son.  So even though I understand why you lost your cool, I want to support you to move out of the reactionary ego perspective and instead gain clarity and empowerment through emotional consciousness. So whatever you do, don’t detach from your feelings!  We need your emotions to understand the next steps you need to take and to improve this situation. 

The good news is that your situation applies to everyone when they lose their cool. Regardless of the circumstance, when you lose your cool, the feeling you are experience is first ANGER and second likely frustration.  When you learn to recognize these feelings through the lens of love (as in Feel Every Emotion as Love) you can begin to differentiate between the messages of your ego and the messages of your essence.

Your ego reacts in anger when subconsciously you believe that your power has been taken away from you. Roberta, in your case you are feeling powerless as to how to move your son away from engaging in risky behaviors. 

Frustration is where “not good enough” lives and seeps in when you feel like you are spinning your wheels.  Roberta, because you have likely tried different measures without success, your ego can take a hold and judge your abilities.  A part of why your reaction gets so strong is because you take his behaviors and make them personal about you. Although this is common for parents, especially teenage parents, to do, it isn’t your truth.

As your anger and frustration get triggered from your ego, you are going to blow. My work doesn’t say that you have to not ever blow.  Sometimes, circumstances just push enough of your buttons.  Yet, you are doing yourself a disservice if you don’t understand the inner wisdom coming through to support you to CREATE CHANGE!

As I teach in much greater detail through my F.E.E.L. Virtual Mastery Program (www.MichelleBersell.com/feel), your anger and frustration have much wisdom to share.  Anger from a spiritual perspective is always about claiming your power. While frustration is present to tell you that the way you are going about doing things isn’t working and you need to create a shift back to your inner wisdom.

Roberta, your anger is present to tell you to claim the power you still have toward your relationship with your son.  Although your ego is telling you that you are powerless in this situation, nothing could be further from the truth.  Your son is reaching out to you when he admits that he attempted to steal.  Your true power is tapped into when you look to what is triggering this for him.  He is looking to you for guidance (no matter how much he may act that he is blowing off what you say) because he told you the truth!

Tap into your own experiences of feeling peer pressure to remember that you did (as well as myself and everyone else) dumb things to get others approval. Have compassion for yourself for your mistakes and use that to have compassion and understanding for him.  Then from a loving place, ask him questions such as who he was with, what he was feeling like around them and allow him to begin to see the light of what is really going on within him.  Your power is bringing out the truth to what is really going on rather than staying stuck on the surface issue of stealing.

Your frustration is your essence guiding you that things have to change.  Put the onus back on him to what he thinks needs to be done to make a change. Don’t let him let his ego off easily. Guide him to stand up for his essence and the man that he wants to become. How can things change to support him to realize that within himself? You can support him but only he can claim it for himself.

The lesson is for all of us that when we lose our cool, we are buying into a version of ourselves and a version of reality that isn’t true.  As a person on a path to live more consciously, you can take this experience (and every experience your emotions come up) to become in greater alignment with your truth and power!

Thanks Roberta for sharing your story! Glad to hear that you are already meditating and doing yoga, as those activities will support you to gain access to the inner wisdom that is within each of your feelings.

Live Emotionally Conscious & Live Exceptionally Well,

How to shift an “off” day to “on”

No one ever sets off to have an “off” day.  You are just going about living your life and one thing leads to another, or so it seems.  If you are on the path to living your life more consciously so you can embrace more of your potential, your work is to bring awareness to what is really going on. 

What is really going on during an off day is that you likely lowered your standards.  Of course you are not going to go about your day thinking “Today would be a great day to lower my standards.” So how does this happen?

Believe it or not, you are most likely going to lower your standards when you are going after something you want.  You see, in your mind sometimes to get what you want, you “make exceptions.”  Making exceptions is fine except when you go against what feels good and right to you. The problem is that it is way too easy to make excuses even if your exception does not feel right to you. 

Take me for example.  Yesterday, I had an appointment with a really well-known figure regarding his participation in the next New Consciousness Audio Series.  Unfortunately, the appointment time was incorrectly scheduled and if I wanted to fit in to his very busy schedule, I needed to rearrange some appointments on my end.  I knew at the time, I didn’t feel comfortable making changes to my schedule.  It just didn’t feel right.  Still, I did as I thought of how wonderful it would be to have him as a part of the series. 

Against my better judgment of my inner guidance, rearrangements were made.  And you know what?  The rearrangements threw off my day.   

Now for the kicker, HE NEVER CALLED!

You see it is these little instances where boundaries weaken and you can easily have no clue.   After all you want to be a good person, so you think you should give people the benefit of the doubt, be compassionate etc….  What happens is then that you are likely going to blow off your contribution to the problem.  You will say to yourself something like “It is no big deal.”

You are correct in that it is no big deal to the other person involved.  Yet, the truth is that instances in which you lower your boundaries should matter to you. 

In my case, I could have easily forgotten about it and just have my assistant reschedule with his assistant. No big deal right?  WRONG!

The big deal is that how I feel going about my day matters to me.  Being in flow with my work makes a big difference in my day and I don’t like feeling “off.” 

What is key to remember is that this has everything to do with my actions and not his.  If I would have listened to my inner guidance, this wouldn’t have impacted my day as it did. It would have been “on.”

You are going to mess up at times and not listen to your inner guidance, just as I did.  If you want to remain living emotionally unconscious (like many do) you will easily blow off lowering your standards.  You won’t recognize how you disregarded your inner wisdom and then you will wonder why life at times feels like such a struggle.

Living emotionally conscious, however, you can choose to recognize your part in the equation.  When you do, you are living more empowered because you see how you can handle circumstances in a way that is in greater alignment with your essence. 

And this, my friends, is exactly how healthy boundaries are created! It is through the times when you dismiss your boundaries that can affirm the importance of boundaries in your life. 

It is just like how successful people have experienced a lot of failures prior to their success.  The same holds true with your boundaries.  People with healthy boundaries that supports them to live their best life have become conscious of the times when their boundaries were lax.  The reason is that in both cases, you learn and grow – IF YOU ARE WILLING & AWARE!

Of course, I became aware of this instance by recognizing my annoyance, which was really just light weight anger.  Utilizing my anger from an emotionally conscious state, I realized my feelings were about me claiming more of my power.  Through that understanding, I claimed back my power through re-establishing boundaries that feel good and right to me. 

For me, the person who blew off our appointment has nothing to do with how I felt.  He was simply the vehicle of how I was supposed to remember my truth to support me as my work progresses.  The stakes may become higher, but my truth remains the same.  Evidently, I needed that reminder!  Once I got it, my day went from feeling “off” to feeling back “on!”

You need reminders when you are on your path to grow and evolve.  Your emotions are there to support you to stay on track.  Choose to live emotionally conscious to embrace the power within you that will allow you to turn around an “off” day and get back “on” track to living your best life!

Live Emotionally Conscious – Live Exceptionally Well,

Want to Feel More Excitement about Your Life?

Don’t you love the feeling of excitement running through your body.  You are optimistic, ready to move forward and utilize that energy within you to make things happen.  This is actually the purpose of excitement – to propel you forward!

Believe it or not, your fear is the same energy as excitement.  The only difference is that your ego has taken a hold of the energy and turned it into what you recognize as fear.  You know the ego is involved with fear because you’ll feel weighed down, uncertain, scared, anxious or sad. 

From an emotional consciousness standpoint, you recognize the true purpose to your fears.  They are present to alert you that you are buying into an ego message.  Congratulations – just recognizing this is a huge step forward!

Now, to transmute the fear into the energy of excitement, all you need to do is understand the underlying message of the ego.

When this happens to me, I turn to my feelings to help me uncover the truth. Nothing is better than recognizing sadness as loving guidance for you to get the clarity you need.  What I love about feeling every emotion as love is that the process allows you to get very specific as to what is your vulnerable spot that the ego is trying to protect. 

Your sadness supports you to gain clarity and see the truth to the matter rather than the false story of your ego.   Fear is then transformed back to excitement because the energy that you have given to your ego is now reverted back to your essence.  When your essence is free to do what it came here to do, you will be blown away at your ability to move mountains!  That is the energy that awaits you!!

What this means for you is to begin to see each and every fear as opportunity.  The opportunity is to understand where, why and how your energy is leaking toward your ego.  The time has come to reclaim that energy back to serving you and utilizing your excitement to even more deeply claim what fulfills you.

The good news is that fear is a normal part to growth.  I feel it all the time and I utilize my fear to support me to reach my desires.  You can too!

Begin by reminding and stating to yourself of the following:

“Each time I feel fear, it is an opportunity for me to expand and own more of my personal power and truth.”

You and only you can make the decision if you are going to use fear to transform you or keep you stuck.  Your fate is in your hands!  Now that is something to feel excited about – you have the choice to claim all of your potential!

 Live Emotionally Conscious – Live Exceptionally Well,

Michelle

Understanding the fear of speaking from an emotional consciousness viewpoint

Hi Michelle,

I have been following you and I want you to know it is an honor to be connected.   I live in India and inspire to become big. I have everything in me but two things stop me to attain my aspirations. First, I have a fear of public speaking that holds me back like anything. For last 5 years I have been trying to overcome the same but I still find me struggling with words and my thoughts when it comes to public speaking. The second problem is that after trying hard for anything I find myself deviating from that thing. I basically lack dedication. I read your page and thought to mail you. Hope you reply back and your suggestions help me.
Regards,
Sumit

 

Dear Sumit,

 

Let’s get a clear understanding about what fear is about from an emotional consciousness standpoint.  Fear is the voice of your ego.  Your essence/spirit/inner voice (whatever you prefer to call it) is the part of you that has aspirations to share your message.  Also, what you call a “lack of dedication” is also the voice of your ego.  There is nothing wrong with you.  You are simply allowing your ego to win because even though you work hard toward a goal, there is a part of you that fears the outcome. 

Right now your ego is winning, which indicates to me a very important aspect that you need to address.  You don’t believe enough in your essence.  There is a part of you that does but it isn’t enough because your ego is still winning.  You need to write down and give your rational mind and ego proof of what you have accomplished. 

 

Most importantly you need to continue to develop a deeper relationship that honors your inner voice more than you do the messages of your ego.  How do you demonstrate to your spirit that you listen, love and care for this vital aspect of you?  If you don’t or you push this part of you around with putting everything else in front of your spirit, you cannot expect your spirit to be strong enough to overcome your ego when you try to attain a goal.  Your fear will always be there as you evolve and grow.  You demonstrate your spirit is ready to make that leap when you essences is properly fueled by love and respect by you.  Then your spirit is more powerful and sees the truth to your fears.

Lastly, you are overly judgmental of yourself.  Maybe not in all areas but certainly when it comes to your career.  Remind yourself that every time you critique yourself, you diminish your relationship with your essence.  I would suggest seeking support that guides you to recognize the voice of your ego and tune into more the voice that your spirit sings.

Sending you much love on your journey!

Live Emotionally Conscious – Live Exceptionally Well,

Michelle

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One Workday, No Blackberry & The Results Are?

Consciously choosing not to turn on my Blackberry for one whole day during the middle of my work week and stepping away from work can bring up anxiety and guilt.  “Am I being responsible?  I have so much to do, how will all my work ever get done?” are all questions of my ego uses to try to keep me settled into the daily throws of work.  At first, stepping away felt tortuous.  All too clearly, I begin to see the slight addictive behaviors I have toward checking my email and trying to stay on top of everything.

Nevertheless, I allowed my spirit to win!  My spirit was telling me I needed a break.  I have had to put in a lot of hours to get the audio series completed.  This weekend, I am working on Sunday speaking at an event.  Therefore, I decided, what if I acted as if Tuesday was really a Saturday?  What would it be like to let myself off the hook during the weekday?  Let me tell you it felt good!

My rational mind wouldn’t have thunk it but watching re-runs of The Office was exactly what my spirit needed.  Usually, when I take breaks throughout my work day, I try to be spiritually conscious.  I go for walks in nature and read inspiring passages.  Yesterday was all about just allowing myself to relax and be a so-called “slug” ( my ego’s words, not mine) if that is what I needed. 

After lying in bed watching three episodes of The Office, I did some coloring, took a nap, then a bath and made some homemade ice cream which I allowed myself to have prior to eating the pancake dinner I made for my family.   All and all, a great day and a wonderful reminder that what fuels my spirit doesn’t have to be so serious or reflective.  What fuels my spirit is the joy in just allowing myself to be.  Oh and the result, as if feeling joyful and relaxed wasn’t enough – a renew enthusiasm toward delving back into my work!

With Joy,  Michelle

Care Giver Struggling Reaches Out – Real Advice Given

Hi Michelle,

I have had my 83 year old mother living with me for 9 years and she is illiterate and has never learned the tools to get through life and so i find myself having to do everything for her …even her thinking. She is a demanding, stubborn hard to please woman and as I work full time i am finding life a real struggle. My husband has been pretty patient but he sometimes loses it.

I find i am always depressed, very angry, frustrated and at my wits end. I have tried to have a break from my mother and tried to put her in respite care for a few days but she has absolutely refused to go.

I have been on antidepressants for a few years but they don’t seem to work and as I am under quite a bit of pressure at work i feel like i am ready for a breakdown. I have had quite a few outbursts at work when i am challenged by my lazy male co worker who doesnit seem to cope well with the added pressure that we have been put under with our work.

I feel like running away from everything but I need to work for financial reasons as I have turned to gambling as an out and we have had to remortgage our home as a consequence of my actions. I feel very sorry that i have put my husband in this position but really was incapable of realizing the consequences of my actions at the time due to being depressed and the medication maybe numbing my feelings.

I am in a real mess and would appreciate any help from yourself.

Warmest Regards,

MB

 

Dear MB, (Hey, we share the same initials, how about that!)

Thank you for writing me and admitting your true feelings.  So many people I have supported who are also caregivers struggle to reveal their real emotions.  They become accustom to shoving down these feelings and then suffering in other areas of their life.

I share this with you not only to honor your courage but to also share with others the importance of sharing our true feelings.  By allowing yourself to be vulnerable not only do you not have to suffer alone but neither do the thousands of caregivers who are also struggling.  A message for all of us is that covering up your feelings only causes greater suffering.

Okay, now onto your challenge as a caregiver.  The truth is, MB, you should feel as you stated “depressed, very angry, frustrated and at my wits end “ because how your life is set up right now is not working for you.  You are struggling emotionally at that depth because it is at that depth that you need to take a hold of your life and create change. 

What you have done is what society teaches us to do, react to our emotions on an ego level.  The emotions feel overwhelming to us, we stuff them down and then we do crazy things to try to escape how we really feel.  This is the reality, MB, of what has caused you to turn to gambling.  You were looking for a magic cure all to take away the pain you are feeling. 

The truth is there is no magic pill to take.  The only way to remedy the situation is going to be through your hard work. I know the last thing you want is more hard after all you have on your plate.  Let’s face it though, dealing with your feelings based on the ego has made your life worse, as you now have debt to deal with on top of care giving for your mother.  

If you were to F.E.E.L., you would see that your anger, frustration and depression are due to you not owning your power completely in this situation.  Now you have further given it away with gambling.  To turn this around, first your inner work of not seeing yourself as a victim. I say this with great compassion because I feel like it is one of the most common ways we unknowingly self-sabotage and it is pretty easy to do.  The truth is your reality is tough.  Being a care giver takes immense amount of energy and if that energy is depleted in you, there won’t be any to give.  Rather than be a victim of your circumstances, in which you feel helpless to create change, your feelings are telling you to own your power. 

My sense is for you that this begins with creating greater personal boundaries.  I intuitively feel that you are operating based on old roles where what your moms says go, as if you were still a young child.  This is very common for women and their relationships with their mothers.  As you age, your role and relationship with your parents needs to reflect who you are as an adult.  Many parent-child relationships never mature and cause a lot of unnecessary ill-will, pain and struggle. 

Besides your boundaries with your mother, my sense is that this is a problem with other people in your life as well, especially other family.  Are you buying into being defined by how they perceive you?  My sense is that you are and then your actions become a self-fulfilling prophecy.    

This is tough work and I don’t sugar coat it because I don’t feel that it is nice to mislead you.  I want to give you the beginning steps as what you do have the power to take responsibility for in your life.  As you do begin to take personal responsibility, you will find how these other pieces begin to fall into place.  If you re-establish a relationship with your true self, which can be done by listening to the real message underneath your feelings, you will find the exact guidance you need to turn this situation around one step at a time.  THIS WILL NOT BE A QUICK FIX.  These changes will take some doing on your part, yet I know they will work.  You are worth making this happen MB. You are worth making your life work for you. It can happen but you must find yourself worthy of taking such effort.

Thank you again MB for sharing your struggle and walking this path with me to live your life more emotionally conscious and well!

How High is Your Pain Tolerance When It Comes to Stress?

Did you ever play those games when you were a kid to see how far you could bend back your fingers without giving up in pain?  How about allowing a relative or friend to keep hitting you harder and harder to see how long you could take it without giving up?  In both of these cases, the more pain you could tolerate, the stronger you were viewed.  I am sure at one point or another you gave it a try in order to avoid being called a wimp.

These silly games you play as a kid imprints a lasting message in your psyche.  The message is you are somehow better if you are tough and learn to “suck up” the pain or discomfort that you are feeling.   This message has been reiterated by adults as well because of the belief that you need to be able tolerate pain because life is not always fair.

The unfortunate outcome is that you learn how to tolerate your pain too well.  The result is suffering with your careers, your relationships and/or your sense of self due to your great tolerance of pain.  You have learned loud and clear that you are better off sucking it up.  You pull yourself up by the boot straps and try to move forward all the while ignoring the pain the best you can. 

What you don’t think about is how this will impact you in the long-term because you have been trained not to.  There is this pain reliever/aspirin commercial that demonstrates this so well.  The storyline is that this man suffers from pains that hold him back from accomplishing what he wants.  Presto — when he takes his pain reliever, we see him strong, being able to climb any mountain and accomplish his dream.   The message is that here is an easy way to cover up your pain that allows you to achieve all that you desire.  What I am thinking is this poor guy – he thinks he is being so strong by pushing himself past his limits and he is going to wake up to some major pain possibly even hurting himself physically to the point where it is beyond repair.  This commercial reiterates what you have all been taught to believe, which is if you toughen up and cover up your pain, you will then be able to get what you want.  This may work for the short-term but in the long run you end up hurting yourself even more. 

By ignoring your pain there is another part deep down within you that believes in the message of the pain rather than hearing the truth.  The truth is that your emotions want to share with you how to alleviate the pain for good.   Rather than hear this message, you are too focused on putting your best self forward all the while ignoring the hurt you feel.  What this actually does is keep you stuck and that is the sad part because it doesn’t have to be that way.

There are few people who are born without having the sensitivity to pain in their bodies. Their inability to feel the pain puts them in great danger and they end up getting hurt often.  Others have to keep a close watch on them because they do not register the signals that tell them what is taxing or hurting them.

I believe our society as a whole is suffering because we have tampered with the amazing gift of our emotional sensitivity.  Rather than picking up on the emotional signals that tell you when something is not good, you tolerate what isn’t good for you.  Worse yet is how you tell yourself to get over it, move on, think positively or be the better person and rise above it.  The reality is that you are just telling yourself that you are not sick of these circumstances enough to make a change.  In other words, you are telling your pain to bring on some more because you can and will take more pain. 

Once you have reached the point where you are so tired of the pain and so exhausted from fighting, only then will change occur.  The gift is that your pain doesn’t have to reach that point in order for you to take action.  So what is it going to be for you — a high pain tolerance or a low pain tolerance? 

My hope is that you will join me in having a low pain tolerance.  With a low pain tolerance you will recognize your sadness, anger or frustration more often.  The difference is that you will see this as a gift that will help you to live your life even better.  Trust me, it is not the emotions that are so painful rather it is the truth that you are trying to deny.  But remember the truth will always set you free.  Doesn’t living freely sound better than living chained to the pain?

Live Authentically – Live Exceptionally Well,

Michelle

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